Recently I was chatting with an individual (she gave permission to use her story though no name or identifying features will be used) who attempted to commit suicide so that her ex-boyfriend may feel the pain of what she felt. This happened while she was in high school. This is a very common issue with both young people and adults, often after a hurtful situation such as break-up, separation, or divorce. The urge to make another feel the pain of what one is going through in such a situation is probably one of the most powerful emotions resulting from the inability to put things in perspective due to clouded rational mode of thinking one has in times of grief, pain, and anger. How is one expected to handle such thought?
It is important for anyone who is going through distress to think about the reality she or he faces, and if possible, consult another person whom she or he trusts to help them navigate through their emotions. It is also important for anyone who is consulted in such a situation to be firm but loving in their clarification of reality based on basic civic rationality. This is not a time to start pushing the other to see things the way one does, but a time to help them see that there are more ways to deal with their situation. The goal is to propose but not enforce.
To respond to the question we are dealing with, one has to look at the integrity of the human person, both from the divine and natural perspectives. From the divine one can assert the Judeo-Christian revelation on the creation of every human being in God's image and likeness. Since one is created in such a way, it is imperative that one honours her/his person in realization of the fact that God's spirit dwells in him/her. Would one necessarily want to destroy that image even in time of distress? Not really. Even in case of mental illness (which we shall discuss some day), one does not really wish to be destructive. From the natural perspective, one of the most deeply ingrained needs in the human person is the need to preserve one's life. That is why one often fights or flees to preserve herself/himself when faced with danger. That is also the reason behind parents going to any legth to protect their own.
On the other hand, one has to remember that she/he lived many years before meeting that individual and can still live for years with or without that person. In other words, one had a life before meeting the individual, and can still have life without the individual in her/his life. So, when people break up, are separated or divorced, one feels rejected, dejected, depressed and all sorts of emotions. What the one who rejects you is saying is that she/he does not care about you. I often ask people the basic question: "Do you think that it is worth is to destroy your own life for some one who does not care about you, and would be happy to see you gone forever or at least for as long as she/he lives on the face of the earth?" Why would one make the ultimate sacrifice for another if they do not care for the sacrifice (apart from that of Christ)?
Who really gets hurt? I think that the answer is: Not really the one who you intend to hurt by such act! It is the parents, children, friends and those who are close to and care for the individual. The one who rejects you may care for what happens to you but can rationalize it as your choice. And that is in a sense true because it is one's choice to seek other ways to deal with what happened. Suicide is not the best way out because at the funeral for one who commits suicide, it is often those who one does not intend to hurt that end up being there, they are the ones who struggle with this, they are the ones who feel HURT, they are th eunintended sufferers.
What is the best thing to do? If one is hurt so badly, I think it is best to seek someone the individual can talk to, especially a professional who understands how to deal with emotional distress - a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a consellor, a priest. While one may talk to her/his friends, it is important to recognize that one's friends may not be versed in handling such a situation. If one has been involved with someone who commits suicide to her her/him, it is also important to see professional help so that one does not carry an unnecessary emotional baggage.
Please leave a comment or question if you have any.
I think that often when a person contemplates suicide they are in the depths of despair and cannot embrace the effect of their choice on others. This is why suicide intervention is so important.
ReplyDeleteThe first question you are taught to ask in a suicide intervention course is, "Are you contemplating suicide?" This is a hard question to speak out loud to another person and it often goes unasked. Asking this pivotal question can lead to a discussion where a person experiencing despair can be helped to see the good that exists in his or her life. This is now a person that can be saved.
Bernard