My loved one committed suicide!

Often people want to know what happens to a person who commits suicide. There are several questions that arise from this: Would the individual be saved eternally? I couldn’t stop him/her! Some of these questions arise due to the stigma attached to suicide and the possibility that many people did not understand what leads an individual into committing such an act.



It is pertinent that we point out that the decision to commit suicide is one of the signs that one has reached the lowest point in his/her life and often after some struggles with deep depression. However depression starts, it is one of the most misunderstood illnesses of our time, and though there have been progresses made within the mental health realm, majority of the populace still hold varying negative opinions about it. That explains why one can think of an individual struggling with depression, “snap out of it!” One would wish it is that easy to snap out of it, but it is not.



So, what happens to people who commit suicide? Many Catholics can still remember the time when the church in different parts of the world would not celebrate the funeral of an individual who committed suicide. The church has since relaxed this rule and today celebrates the funeral of individuals who commit suicide. The churches stand stemmed from its teaching on human life. According to this doctrine, no one has the right to take life, “Thou shall not kill.” So, any form of killing is not permitted by the church. This teaching, rooted in the Judeo-Christian biblical revelation is at the root of the Church’s stand on abortion, euthanasia, homicide, and suicide. Why did the church start burying people who commit suicide? The answer to this is based on the culpability factors. Research and notes left by individuals who commit suicide shine lights on their state of mind which often is a state of despair and hopelessness. Often their thinking is controlled by the intense emotions they deal which can drive them into believing that the only possible alternative for reprieve from their feelings and situations would be to end it all. In many of these letters/notes left by the individuals, there are apologies to family members and some form of mea culpa. Some of those who commit suicide also see it as a way to give reprieve to their family members who in a sense experience and witness their agonies, and some see it as an “act of love,” as one statement indicated, “I love them so much and did not want them to continue to see me in this situation, I don’t want them to suffer emotionally anymore because of me.” These statements may not be quite logical but that is the logic they work with. So, the Church recognizes that judgement belongs to God and none of us knows what may have transpired in the mind of the individual just at the moment of death – whether they made peace with God or asked for forgiveness. Because of this, none of us can decide or dictate the fate of individuals, it is between them and God. On our part, we always pray and hope that there was that last communication/prayer from the individual, as did one of the thieves buried with Christ who states, “Jesus, remember me when you get into your kingdom.” We hope the mercy of God will lead them to receive such beautiful words, “Today you will be with me in my kingdom.”



Could anyone have prevented them from committing suicide? In some cases yes, and in others, no. In cases where one makes the revelation that he/she is struggling and has suicidal thoughts, one can help the individual to seek professional care and this often helps. Counselling, medication and connection to people and relationships that matter in one’s life can be a great asset. However despite some of these helps, one can still slip through the cracks. Often family members of one who commits suicide have enormous guilty feelings – “...maybe I could have done more, why didn’t I see this coming? What else should I have done that I failed to do,” and the list goes on. Some may feel personal responsibility because they “should have been able to prevent it.” The reality is that sometimes even with the best efforts and the best intentions one may not be able to prevent the situation. It is important that one not drown in guilt as that may lead to its own problems.



While in conversation with an individual a couple of years ago, I realized that he was of the opinion that all those who commit suicide had no hope of salvation. While not supporting the committing of suicide, I wanted him to know that it was not up to any human being to judge and condemn another. We may condemn the actions, but not the individual. By a stretch of the imagination, I started thinking that here he is condemning others while in a sense, people are slowly committing suicide. Why do I make this assertion? Because often we know that something is going to destroy our system and lead to death, and yet we keep eating/drinking/smoking it. I give example with eating food rich in saturated fat/oil as well as salt, which by the way, may be more tastier than food without them, we know that one will clog our arteries and the other will raise our blood pressure (which could lead to heart attack and stroke) and yet we consume them. There are several other ways we slowly kill our systems. The above statements generated heated debates with a couple of friends at different times.

I have to make it clear that in no way do I compare suicide to one eating what may be bad for his or her system. It is important for one to put things in perspective. Suicide should be discouraged in every situation. Most people who commit suicide probably reached out and cried for help, unfortunately sometimes, these reaching out were not understood or timely help is not offered. Suicide destroys something in the one’s whose family member commits it. God's mercy is everlasting and in abundance!