Homily for Blessing's Funeral

As I listened to the homily I preached at Blessing's funeral, I was again reminded of the grace of God at work in our lives in spite of whatever may go wrong and that God is with us, Emmanuel - the feast of Christmas. Though it may be one of the most difficult ones, this Christmas created a keen awareness of the presence of God in people, in our lives and in the Church. Here is a copy of the homily (the much captured by the video person. There are small portions missed out by him).

I started the homily by singing the first two stanzas of the hymn: It is well with my soul


When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath “WASHED NGOZI INHIS” blood.

My dear brothers and sisters, we have come before the Lord today to pray for our sister Blessing whom the Lord has called to himself. We have come to pray that she may be welcomed to eternal life in our home truth. We are grieving but God grace is more than anything in our lives



Song: My brother (sister), cease crying for the dead, please clean your eyes (2xs). Death is a universal phenomenon, cease crying for whatever happens to one, his (her) God knows about, my brother (sister), death is a universal phenomenon, whatever happens to one, his (her) God knows about. A woman went to the native doctor to get medicine with which to raise her child from the dead (2xs). The native doctor told her to go around all the nations, when you enter a home where death never touched, get some leaves from there, with that your child will be raised from the dead. The woman went around the towns but could not find any home where death never touched. She started praying for her child that s/he may go in peace, she prayed for her child that God may bless her (him)...



Today, we are here to grieve but also to thank God for the life she gave to our sister Blessing Ngozi. The first reading from the Book of Wisdom tells us that in the eyes of those who have no faith, this is the end, but in the eyes of those of us who have faith, we know that our sister has gone before us to a better place, a place of true life, the place we all long to God. Christ himself made a promise that he was going to our father and to his Father, and that after he has gone, he will return to take us with him so that we may be with him.



Who wants to go to heaven here? (raised my left hand, everybody raised his/her hand). Who wants to die right now? None (they all started chuckling/laughing softly). Often we sing,



“Heaven is my desire, I will run the race for heaven (and all responded in chorus)

Heaven is my desire, and I will run the race for heaven (2xs)

Me: My brother (sister) do you long to run the race for your life?

All: Heaven is my desire, and I will run the race for heaven

Me: Holy Spirit, help us the grace to run, and reach there

All: Heaven is my desire, and I will run the race for heaven

Me: The comforter, help us to run, and reach there

All: Heaven is my desire, and I will run the race for heaven...”



After singing this song, we are still afraid of going to heaven, one has to die first before going to heaven, right? All responded, “right.” What really is death according to our catechism? Death is the process of the Spirit leaving the body and going to the presence of God for judgement.



According to the first reading, God has sieved them as gold is purified by fire. All those who suffered physically with Christ, are purified by him through their suffering and made ready to shine like pure gold. Their suffering may initially seem like punishment, but it is not, it is a process of preparing them for the purity of heaven, letting them go through the process Christ himself went through his agony in the garden to the death on the cross. With regards to death, like many people, she may have prayed, “God, do not let this happen to me, do not let this be my portion. The intense emotions that people in such a situation feel can be seen in the intense emotion of Christ at the garden, that prayer was so intense that blood and water gushed from him. As a person (human), that suffering was much for him, but as God, he was above that suffering. He knew that if he did not go through the suffering, we would not have eternal life as we do today. He cried out, “Father, take this cup away from me. Not my will but your will be done...” we all know that thousands of people all over the world, here in Enugu, in Nova Scotia Canada and our family friends all over prayed so hard for miracle, for physical healing if not for any other reason, then because she was very young and had a son to raise. But after all this prayer, it seemed like God did not answer our prayers. But, God listens to us, he answers our prayers. If we remember, the Letter to the Hebrews reminded us that Christ himself prayed to the one who is able to save him, and he listened to him. After listening to him, what happened? He was still crucified on the cross.



One of the priests who is with us in Halifax said that when he was still a younger priest, probably a couple of months into his priesthood, a lady once called him to ask, “You say that God answers all prayers?” and Fr. Eric responded, “Yes.” She then told him that she would enter into prayer for a very special need. About three months later, the woman called him back and said, “Father, you are a lier!” He said, “What?” and she responded, “You are a lier. You told me that God answers all prayers. Well, I have been praying for this one intention for the past three month, but God never answered them.” Fr. Eric responded, “He answered you my dear, he simply said NO!”



Sometimes, God can say no to us when we pray even though we desire for the answer to all our prayers to be YES. He knows what is good for us, and what will give us life. Truly in our own eyes my dear Blessing, we would have wished that you live, raise your child, and have grandchildren, but in God’s eyes, it is time to welcome you into the kingdom of heaven. It was not easy for Christ when he went through his suffering, in the same manner, it is not easy for anyone who goes through suffering. What made Christ cry with a loud voice on the cross must be a very difficult and excruciating pain, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” this was not said in a very soft voice as we often read at mass but probably with a harsh loud harsh voice. He knew that God does not abandon his people so he said, “Father, into your hands I commend my spirit.” Let us say the same thing Jesus said, “Father, into your hands we commend the spirit of our sister Blessing. We have in Christ and in God, we cry for her because we are human, but if we remember what Paul told us, let us not cry for her like those who have no faith because we have faith and hope that some day we shall be with our sister in heaven where we will share in eternal happiness. There, God will wipe our every tear.



So, we are gathered here to touch each other’s soul and console each other, to know that though we may not see her again for sometime, but we shall see her again in our true home in heaven when God calls us, if we do his will.



As we all know, Blessing has had to struggle with cancer for the last six year and a couple of months, for many people who go through the process of prolonged illness, there are poignant moments of not believing that this could be true, moments of feeling abandoned by God, maybe even angry at God, moments of feeling that God does not care about what goes on in their lives. In her case, Blessing had those moments, but what really hurt the most for her was the thought that she might not be there to see her son Kevin grow up and do all the normal things young people do, but I am sure she will be there for him in the spiritual sense...



She suffered both physically, emotionally, in her fears and thoughts of what tomorrow may hold. She was afraid of death, just like many of us here are, but she faced it with courage. She probably felt something that made her decide that she wanted to come home for a short visit, and she specifically requested for the flight to be booked for certain date. God knows why it so happened that as soon as she got to Lagos, she fainted and had a mini-stroke. If she missed her flight by a day, this would have happened in the United States. If it did, she may not have been able to get to Nigeria and bid her final farewell to all those who came to see her at home and eventually in the hospital. So, she really longed to come here, to be with all of you whom she had not seen for some years.



Blessing also showed the depth of her love for her son Kevin by taking him for three weeks within which they went to all kinds of interesting places and parks. She took him harbour-trotting in Seattle and had a tour of Seattle with him. She decided to have the best time ever with him for those three weeks, and even though she was already getting weak and knew she was getting sicker, she still insisted on giving him the best moments of his life. Talking with Blessing within those three weeks, one would not know that she was getting quite sick, except that she was beginning to slur in her speech and to take a bit longer to respond to questions as a result of an earlier mini-stroke.



While mom and I were going through her luggage two days ago, we found a note about a dream she had a year last June. In it, she was narrating a dream where our father who died in March of 2009 was inviting our mother to come join him because he loved her and wanted to be with her, but Blessing kept asking him to leave our mom so that she may live for us. The rest of the dram almost described what happened to her. She never showed nor discussed this dream with anybody. I think that even though this dream was written as pertaining to our mother, Ngozi was in a sense telling us that she was getting ready to be with our dad who loved her so much. So, our sister knew that God will call her some day, she prepared herself. We pray, if there was any sin she committed, that God may forgive her those sins for in her life, she desired to do God’s will. Be courageous my people, and have faith in Christ who leads along the way of truth and life. It hurts, but eventually, we will be consoled when we reach eternal happiness.



And I say to mama, our mother, it is true that the child is supposed to bury the mother, but remember that our Blessed Mother also buried her own son. Our Blessed Mother taught us to have faith in Christ. You have faith in God, with that faith, trust in God just as our Blessed Mother trusted in God. We know that if it is something prayer can change, it would have been done as all these people prayed so hard, if it is something money can change, it would have been done a long time ago, if it is something medical treatment or naturopathic treatment can change, it would have been done. Because for the last six years she had been going from one hospital to another and had all kinds of treatment. She returned home here, people came to pray. As Christ prayed, so did they. But it is not God’s will. Let us allow the will of God to be done for we cannot fight against His will. Let us put our trust in God and say to our sister (I turned to the casket and touched and said) “Go in peace, go in peace, go in peace.”

Blessing's Funeral Ceremonies

I am hoping that writing this will help those who struggle with the death of a loved one to realize that crises is part of the mourning process. While we all deal with death in different ways, we are all connected by the feeling of loss, maybe anger and confusion, and yet our faith helps us to realize that death is not the end of everything, it is the beginning of new life. While those who are left behind have to struggle emotionally, physically and psychologically, the dead rest in the peace of Christ. Here is my account of the journey to Nigeria for the funeral of my sister Blessing:
As I prepared and did the last minutes errands before travelling back to Nigeria for the second time in a month and three days, this time, the mood was quite sombre. I cannot stop thinking of the final goodbye I said to Blessing, her attempt at saying goodbye (with all the efforts made, her voice box and her brain somehow could not get the words out). I contemplated the tears running down my cheeks as I realized that I would probably never see Blessing alive again, at least in the physical sense. I know that she is asleep in Christ and that she will be raised from the dead to enjoy everlasting life. The questions kept running through my mind: Is this real or am I just having a really bad nightmare? Is this such nightmare that one wakes up sweating only to realize it was not real? I kept hoping to wake up from this bad nightmare and yet I still found myself going through the motions of booking my flight, calling mom and my siblings constantly to make arrangements for the funeral service, and speaking to people who called to express their condolence.

The next day after Blessing died, I was supposed to concelebrate at a funeral for one of our parishioners but the raw emotions that welled through my entire being were so much that I had to send a message to the family to express my condolence but also my disappointment that I was not able to be there for them in their hours of need. While I felt bad about this, I also recognized that I would not have been able to go through that celebration without breaking down. No matter how much one knows that his/her loved one is dying, there is often the shock of realizing that the reality of death once the person dies. That shock can be tremendous and often unexpectedly unpredictable.

That Saturday afternoon I wondered how the rest of the weekend would develop – how am I going to be able to go through the celebration of the Eucharist on Saturday evening and on Sunday morning? I know that Blessing would probably not want me to miss the celebration of the Eucharist because she died, she probably would have wanted me to celebrate it in spite of the difficulty I may face with immersing myself into the mystery of our relationship with God in such a public ceremony while handling an emotional crisis of such magnitude. I am certain of this assertion because it dawned on me that even when she first started losing the ability to speak, she was still able to respond to most of the responses at the daily masses we celebrated the last week of my visit. She was a person of incredible faith and even her fight with cancer could not break that bond of faith.

While still running around and getting ready to travel, I was also privileged to encounter many parishioners in ways I never imagined. Blessing had truly been a blessing to many of us. The outpouring of emotions and support after the announcement of her death was made at the three weekend masses surprised me! While I expected some condolences, the rate and sincerity touched the core of my being, and my family was incredibly touched by the Mass cards and other gifts. I knew that if I came to mass early and get emotional, I would not be able to go through the celebration, so I decided to come to mass just a few minutes before each mass and to avoid both eye contacts and questions about Blessing (which many people ask out of care and concern). During the celebration of the 5.30pm Mass, I was doing okay until Blessing’s name was mentioned during the Prayers of the Faithful in which her name was moved from the sick to the dead. At that moment, I had a lump in my throat, eyes welled with tears and with my voice shaking, I managed to say the concluding for the prayers. From then on, I hoped that nothing else would be that emotional because I knew I was on the verge of breaking down. Thankfully I was able to hold myself until the end of the Mass when I formally informed the parishioners of Blessing’s passing on and asking for their prayers for the repose of her soul as well as for prayers for the whole family and especially for my mother. As soon as I got to the back entrance, I could no longer control my emotions, I burst into the Sophia room and cried! After crying and letting out some of the bottled-up emotions, I felt better and then came out and was able to talk with people. Hugs had never made more meaning nor been able to bring such comfort as they did that evening.

The next two Masses were equally packed with emotions. Thankfully I was able to get through the celebrations. While I considered cancelling all the weekday masses, I decided that I wanted to celebrate them even if only for the benefit of getting the graces I needed for my impending journey to Nigeria. I am thankful for the many friends, parishioners and members of the Association of Nigerians in Nova Scotia who dropped-in at the house, called or sent cards.

In spite of her death, there were several subtle miracles throughout her last few months. When Blessing called to tell me that she would like to “visit” Nigeria, I thought she meant going there for the Christmas celebration but she told me that it was to be for the month of September. While we talked about this, I perceived that she really wanted to go between two certain days. Now I realize why she chose these days – if she did not get to Nigeria on the day she did, she would have had the mini-stroke she had at the Murtala Muhamed International Airport, Lagos elsewhere in the United States, and would not have been able to return to Nigeria by herself nor alive. It is divine providence which guided her to make that decision. When we talked about her visit, she kept insisting that even if there was nothing else to be done in Nigeria, she would at least be close to “the people who love me, those I have not seen in a long time.”

Just before returning to Nigeria, Blessing spent three quality weeks with her son Kevin, and as if she knew that it would be her last with him, took him out for all kinds of adventures and activities they normally would not embark on – they went to downtown Seattle for a tour of the city using the harbour-hopper car-boat, they saw all kinds of places of interest and went on different rides. She called more often than she used to. While chatting with her, I felt an energy that was not always there emanate from her within that period. What grace God gave to her and Kevin as they spent this time together. Little did we anticipate that this may be her final farewell to him, at least in the physical sense of it. Reflecting on these two events – her choice of the date to go, and her spending the quality time with Kevin – I now realize that somehow she may have felt that her time was drawing close.

As I started planning for the funeral for Blessing, I realized that it would probably be the most difficult celebration of the Eucharist I will ever have. Not only am I in agony at her death, I was having a real crisis of faith. Intellectually I understand that one will eventually die but emotionally, I was not prepared for how to feel at the loss of a younger sibling. From the day she was informed of the cancer diagnosis, all her friends, our friends and strangers who never met her started praying for healing. I often had confidence that God would answer my prayers (but maybe it was because he had always answered them according to my “will and demand”). I must say that I felt disappointed that my prayers were not granted in the manner I wanted. This I have come to realize is probably in line with the reasoning behind the Letter to the Hebrews’ indication that God answered the prayers of Christ, and yet he had to die! I think that in his humanity Christ must have felt extremely frustrated that God was not willing to take the cup away from him, yet he believed and had the courage to utter these words “Not my will but your will be done.” I felt like all my prayers and those of the many people who prayed for her did not reach God’s ears or maybe he turned his ears away. My biggest struggle has to do with the reality that I found it difficult to reconcile being a priest who struggled to the best of my ability to do what I believe to be right and the possibility that God would not answer my prayers for healing, not even for me, but for my sister. While this may seem trivial, this was a real emotional, creedal and personal crisis. This was contrary to my experience with God. I recalled an incident that affirmed my belief in God. I was about 9 years old, one bright late afternoon my mother sent me to go to the corner-store and buy some cooking ingredients. As I got the soccer field and saw my peers playing, I decided to join them. By the time I realized it, the corner-store was already closed, it was dark and there was no place around there I could buy the stuff she wanted. I prayed that “if God exists, mom will not ask me for what she sent me to buy until tomorrow afternoon.” God granted this as mom did not ask me any question that night, and of course the next day on my way from school I bought the ingredients. As soon as I got to the door, she wanted what she sent me to buy because she needed to use them. This confirmed to my childish mind that there is God and that he answers prayers. But how can he not answer my and other people’s prayers for Blessing? In the midst of all this, I was also supposed to be the strong one who minister to my family and others who were close to Blessing. While all these thoughts fleet through my mind, I started to pray, “God I believe, help my unbelief.” The crisis finally subdued the following day as I woke up in the morning to prepare for the Sunday mass. I felt an incredible peace which was beyond my comprehension. As I went to mass that morning I thought about the possibility that people who are about to die sometimes feel a peace and presence which cannot be described by words. Throughout the day as I talked with family and friends, I realized that the process of healing begins with acceptance of the reality that death brings to an end the earthly life of our loved ones and the resolve to face death as a reality in life.

THE FUNERAL

Preparing for the day of the funeral was the easier part, taking the long flight to Nigeria was a journey of emotions – thoughts of our growing up in the family, my visits to Seattle and the vivid images of all that had happened in Blessing’s life, all the treatments she had undergone both conventional and eventually naturopathic, Kevin growing up without his mother (and what that would mean for any child), how the funeral mass would be celebrated, the love and care from so many people, fear of family members breaking down emotionally, possibility that I was still having a bad nightmare from which I would wake up to realize I was just dreaming and yet knowing that this was real. Sometimes the emotions would come with pain, at other times there was no way of describing them, yet they were there. There were moments of peace too – she is now resting. She is with dad who died in 2009.

As I write this, I recalled the dream Blessing had in July of 2009, a dream she kept from all of us but had it written on a piece of paper we found in her luggage after she died. She narrated how after dad died, he was beckoning to mom to come to him. Blessing was standing by and telling dad to leave mom for us, but dad insisted that he wanted her because he loved her. The rest of the story pointed to Blessing’s life. Mom and I found this piece of paper in Blessing’s address book while we were going through her things two days before her funeral. She had somehow known that her death was quite imminent and that she needed to get things ready for us. Knowing that Blessing thought about everyone else even in the midst of her suffering speaks to the kind of person she was.

I got to Nigeria and after embracing family members, crying on each other’s shoulder and sharing the story of what really happened on the day Blessing died, I felt the emptiness that comes with loss. One thing that happened before Blessing died kept coming to mind. On that Friday morning (Nigerian time, afternoon) I called as usual to find out how things were going. Mom told me that Blessing seemed to be quite awake (after sleeping for days and waking up for only a few minutes per day). The nurses and hospital staff were all amazed as she would smile at them when they called her name. Many of those who went to see her on that day also felt that she was quite alert. Though it crossed my mind that this may be a farewell moment, I never thought about it again until I got the dreaded call.

On Thursday November 25th, early in the morning the traditional cannon-gun salute which officially announced the death went off. As soon as this happened, mom started wailing and was joined by the women who were gathered there with her. This reminded me of the writing in the Book of Lamentations where Rachael wailed for her children and refused to be consoled. The wailing lasted for about 45 minutes to an hour. Thinking of it, I now realize that it provided the avenue to get the emotions out. Hearing the wailing of the women and seeing mom wail for her daughter was heartbreaking and of course, my tears were running down like rain water. While not wailing most of the men let the tears out. Soon after this, there is the playing of Christian Gospel music which would last all day until the evening when the wake-keeping started.

Just before 10 AM, I took the young people from the kindred whose job it is to dig the grave of any kinsperson that dies (collective effort of all the young adults) to the place we decided that Blessing was to be buried. They started the digging of the grave while we provided drinks and food for them. All this was done by hand with the use of the digger and shovels. By around 2.30 PM, the grave was dug and ready.

At about 7 PM, we started the wake-keeping at the house. The music was provided by the live band of the Catholic Charismatic Movement of the parish in which we grew up in Emene, Enugu. Many of the members also knew Blessing personally as she was actively involved in the parish and in different sodalities while growing up there. At 8.00pm we held a vigil mass, officiated by one of the four priests in attendance. After the mass, there was music, eating, drinking and dancing which lasted until about 2 AM. At 8 AM those who would be on the motorcade from the mortuary with the hearse carrying her remains left to go to Enugu.

When they called to let us know that they were about to leave the mortuary, I decided to prepare myself for celebrating the funeral. I went into one of the rooms, locked the door and cried to let out the steam. I wanted to let the emotions out so as to be able to at least last through the celebration of the Eucharist. When they got closer to the house, I went to the gate to welcome her body which laid in state in the living room. This was followed by prayers by the priests and nuns present. Immediately after this, the Eucharistic celebration started in front of the house. Often the funeral mass is celebrated in the parish church, however it can also be celebrated in front of one’s family home. The mass started, the emotions sought ways to erupt but I did my best to keep them in check as I knew that if I let them out, I would not be able to continue as the principal celebrant. I did okay until towards the end of the homily when I somehow thought about my last conversation with her. I had to end the homily immediately before breaking down. After Holy Communion, I sat on the presider’s chair and tears filled my eyes. All through the celebration, I kept gazing at mom who cried intermittently through the celebration, my older brother who could not control it for a moment, my older sister and my other siblings who sobbed throughout. I am still surprised that I managed to hold it for as long as I did. One of the priests present prayed the Final Commendation, then the body was taken to a piece of land that belongs to us where she was buried. Usually people are buried where the family has a piece of land, except for elders who are often buried inside their compounds. In most communities, there are no cemeteries (even in the big cities too. Mom could not bear to go to the graveside, nor was my older siblings.

As I did the prayer at the graveside, I knew that I would not be able to hold it anymore though I managed to finish the prayers. As soon as the body was lowered and the choir members started singing In Paradise, I thought to myself and said it audibly, “this is real! This is real! She is dead!” My breathing became more rapid, I was struggling to breathe through my mouth and was almost losing consciousness, I started to hyperventilate, clutching on the priest and the nun by my sides. My heartbeat was so hard and I could hear my heart pounding! I thought I was going to die. I whispered for the holy water to be given to me and drank from it. Then I started crying and wailing, “No, this cannot be true! My baby sister is dead! No, God, no!..” I could also hear my other family members wailing. The priests and nuns tried to comfort me and to keep me from fainting and falling into the grave (I was standing close to grave for the prayers). I heard a woman’s voice say to the priests and nuns, “Let him cry, it is his sister that is being buried. He is also human!” I think this was one of the wisest sayings so far. If I did not let out the bottled-up emotions, I was almost certain that my heart would have broken literarily. I started feeling a little better after crying out. Eventually I joined the choir in singing the songs while the grave was being filled by the young men who dug it the day before.

I found myself thinking of all the struggles Blessing faced especially from the day she returned to Africa until her death. I kept thinking of the countless days of sorrow she must have endured, especially the sorrow of knowing that one was dying, hoping for a miracle and yet watching one’s frame and flesh being wasted by cancer. The most poignant moment of all was her looking at the mirror one day, sitting down and crying for hours – cancer changed her appearance. There was nothing left of her but her bony frame. For this reason all the mirrors in the house were taken down. I find myself thinking of the feeling of the loss of ability to control one’s bowl movement, continence and the apparent sense of the loss of dignity when one cannot take care of the things we take for granted like taking a shower/bath. The days I spent with mom and Blessing while she was sick helped me to see things from a different perspective – the agony of parents who take care of their grown children who are either sick, challenged or infirmed. While they do these incredible jobs with joy and grace, I cannot stop thinking of the reality that this is not the way things should work. Parents are supposed to take care of their children until they grow up, then the children are supposed to show their appreciation by reciprocating and taking care of their parents in old age. How can one reconcile the reality that mom took care of Blessing in infancy and again as an adult? How can one reconcile the reality that Blessing was not able to take care of her son Kevin until he becomes an adult? How can one reconcile the reality that it seems unfair for a younger person to die before the parent(s)? I found myself feeling for all the parents who carry the burden of having to bury their own children (in infancy or as grown-ups). What goes on in the mind of a parent whose child dies? It was at that moment that I felt the peace of knowing that “the battle” was over for her. She was no longer in physical, mental, psychological or emotional pain, anguish or agony. She is resting in peace in God’s presence.

During the celebration of the Eucharist on the Sunday after the funeral service for Blessing, the homily drifted from the readings to encouragement to all whose loved ones died. I reflected on the fact that people die at different ages and that God must have a reason which we may not fully understand at the present for allowing things to go the way they do. I thought about people like the Holy Innocents who died in infancy at the hands of others, people who lived to be old like Abraham, people who died in-between like Christ who died at around the age 33. What united all those who knew these people is their sense of sorrow at the parting of a loved one, but then the sorrow would differ depending on the individual’s age. What sort of questions would have crossed the minds of the parents of the Holy Innocents in the Bible, and those of the many holy innocents being killed in our world today – people who die as a result of the stupid decisions of others. What emotions flood the mind when a parent faces the individual responsible for the death of her/his child? What are the emotions that flood the minds of a parent whose poor judgement leads to the death of a child? How did Mary feel at the judgement, passion and death of her son Jesus Christ? How does it feel to helplessly watch a loved one go through so much suffering, and eventually die? While dying in old age can be a Blessing, does it diminish the feeling of shock and loss that comes with death? Not really!

The days for my return drew near, the funeral was over, more people came to visit at the house. Soon we all realized how tired everyone had become, especially mom who only slept at home for two nights all through Blessing’s hospitalization. We needed to rest. Though mom was not sure if she was becoming sick or was just tired, she decided to rest for a couple of days – no work, just sleep, wake, eat, sleep, wake, eat… it seemed to be doing the magic. However, on the day before I left to go to Lagos on my way back, it seemed like we all re-lived the sorrow as we told stories that night. Early the following morning I was up to get ready for the bus ride. We gathered in the living room, said some prayers together, said tearful goodbyes and hugged before I left for the bus station. The first hour in the bus was quite sombre and provided a period for reflection. Though our bus was delayed for three hours due to mechanical problem that started just about 45 minutes into the ride, no one seemed to mind (or at least verbalize it).

The reality of all that happened in the last few weeks hit me as soon as our flight left Lagos for Paris. I started thinking, “so this is it? So it will now be said, “when Blessing was alive?” So it is a reality that I cannot call her phone number and hear her voice again? (I called her phone number a few days after she died to confirm to myself but her voicemail was full). The image of her in the casket and the covering of the grave kept coming back to mind. I wondered what those who knew her and had hoped that she would return from her “short” visit to Africa would be thinking. The tears started rolling down my cheeks. I did not realize I still had any tears to shed after all these days, but I decided to let it out if it comes. For a time, I thought that I would soon be an emotional wreck but I knew that tears bring healing. Intermittently I found myself thinking of the many people who have been of support to our family during this process and praying that God may reward them immensely, but more especially, that they may be spared going through the death of a young sibling or child.

What was the lesson in all this? I think the biggest lesson is to be there for your loved ones and to make sure that one would do all s/he can to help them when one can. I have also learned to make sure that we appreciate our loved ones and let them know how much we love them. Death can exert a hard blow on people when a loved one dies, but our faith is in Christ who battled and won over death helps us to hang in and not loose hope. His promise holds true for all who live their faith in him, “I am going to my Father and to your Father. I am going to prepare a place for you so that where I am you too may be.” While the passion and death of Christ presented a sort of crisis of faith in the Father, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” it also presented a moment of intense surrender to the will of God, “Father, into your hands I commend my spirit.” The death of a loved one often presents moments of questions, doubts, and maybe crisis of faith, but at the end, one has to realise that these moments present us with the opportunity to re-affirm our faith in God, our creedal conviction as stated in the Apostle’s and Nicene Creed.

A copy of my homily for the funeral will be posted on my blog as soon as I listen to it and write it down.

I will also be adding clips of video from the funeral as soon as I have enough time to process and edit them.

Moments after Blessing died

Today has been a day of emotional ups and downs as we strive to grasp the mystery of death and how it affects us as a family. Though I knew that the day would probably come soon, I did not expect Blessing to leave us so soon. Her death has taken the wind off the sail and then, there is the calmness of being in the presence of God. The battle is over, the victory is won, as Paul asks, "death, where is your victory, death, where is your sting?" Eternal life wins over death.

On behalf of my family, thank you for your prayers and support. They mean so much for me and my family, especially for my mother who truly appreciates it. It was heartbreaking to talk with mom soon after Blessing died. Nothing can ever prepare one for the death of a loved one even though we may know that it is coming. I thought that going through dad's sudden death was enough shock, but this one is even more painful. After I spoke with mom, I took out one of my picture albums and started going through it, and th etears rolled down as I watched my beautiful sister and thought of all that she had gone through in this life. I am encouraged by the reality that she is now enjoying "eternity with God." I am sure she and Denis will get to meet and that someday we all will get to be there with them. Ironically I asked at mass last Sunday if anybody wanted to go to heaven, and all raised their hands, but when I asked if anyone wanted to die, none did. While it may not only be as a result of not being sure how eternity feels, I think that the realization of the pains those left behind feel is strong enough reason.


I needed that time immediately after the news to talk with family and try to calm everyone down and for us to seek some healing. We prayed over the phone and commended her soul into the hands of God. It was probably the send most difficult prayer I ever said, first was for my father. The pain can be deeper than words can explain. While our pains may not be taken away, the love of family and friends diminishes that. It has been an emotional roller-coaster but it is expected. All of you who have gone through such loss (God's gain) understand what it feels like. Thanks for your words of encouragement.
My biggest pain now is talking with Blessing's Kevin and trying to help him understand that mommy still loves him even though he will not be seeing her for a long time. I know he understands the concept of angels and so "mommy is his special angel." I believe that children as well as adults go through the grieving process and each one adjusts and copes according to her/his capacity. Please keep Kevin in your prayers as he will have to grow up without the love of his mother, but not without our love. We see Blessing in him and we love him as much as we love her.

Rest In Peace Little Sister

Today at about 9.15pm (Nova Scotian time, about 2.15am Nigerian time) I got a call from my mother. As soon as her number appeared on the phone, I knew that "this was it!" In the midst of her sobbing I said, "Blessing is dead!" and she sobbed, "Let it not happen again" (in Igbo language, OZOEMENA).

Finally my beloved younger sister Blessing has gone to be with God. As I spoke with mom and try to calm her down, my eyes welled up with tears, a lump on my throat, and amidst the indescribable pain I assured her that Blessing is in a better place. Not that I remember all we spoke about except that I tried to be on the phone with her for that first moment and while I let her cry (she needed to), I also intermittently reminded her that Blessing is at peace in the presence of Our Father.

Blessing has carried her cross in life, suffered both physically and emotionally. Now the battle with cancer is over, and Blessing won! She won because she no longer suffer in her body nor emotionally, she won because she is in a better place, the one place we all long to go though we are often afraid to face death. She was a brave fighter. Her courage in the face of illness and "pain" teaches us to embrace life and all it brings and to entrust everything in the hands of God. May she rest in peace. We love you but God loves you the most.

Thank you all for your prayers. I am sure that her suffering was tempered by the effects of your prayers. Please pray especially for my mother who has gone through a lot in the past two years. Her faith inspires all of us.

I will keep you informed.

Little miracle in the midst of difficult situation

Earlier today I called mom to find out how they were doing. She informed me that Blessing was able to open her eyes today. Though she did this several times through the day, it is a miracle because two days ago they thought that she was never going to open her eyes again. This gave mom a huge boost in spite of the reality facing us. The doctors say that there is nothing else they can do than to provide palliative care. Please continue to keep Blesssing in your prayers. Above are a couple of pictures I took with her - the first two were taken moments after she underwent brain surgery four years ago, the last one was taken just before she went in for brain surgery (picture above).

As I write this, I wonder what goes on in the minds of people who know that their days on earth are numbered. Pondering this reality may help each of us think of the deeper meanings to the mystery of life. I am certain that one's understanding of the after-earthly-life will have influence on how one handles this sort of situation. May God give us all the courage to face whatever may come our way and the possibility of the death of a loved one.

Update on Blessing

Once more, thank you so much for your prayers for Blessing and for my family. On Friday, October 15th, Blessing was admitted to the Annunciation Hospital where she underwent blood transfusion and, malaria treatment and was given some IVs. At this time, the doctors also noted that her blood pressure was quite low (her blood pressure is okay now). On the morning of the 15th, she was not able to eat, was barely conscious when they got her to the hospital. The doctors diagnosed that she was suffering from malaria. Presently, she is still recovering at the hospital and they are taking good care of her. While the prognosis does not look good, we keep praying that God's will may be done in her life.

My Journey to Nigeria (continued)

The days started with getting Blessing to the bathroom for a bath, dressing her and getting her to the family room where we would have a celebration of the Eucharist at around 8.00am. What a blessing this was to all of us as we journey with God in this struggle. Intricately connected to the Eucharistic celebration is a faith-filled understanding of struggles for those who face death, just as Christ had after the last supper. This usually set the tone for each day. It is interesting to think that the readings for the last two weeks of the period I was visiting and celebrating the Eucharist were from the Book of Job. While the book of Job presents raw emotions with regards to dealing with personal tragedy, it then occurred to me that each person’s tragedy can be related to that of others and that people go through similar emotions as they struggle with handling what life throws at them. We can all see something of ourselves in the life and struggles of Job.

On Friday, I devised a way to get around with Blessing. I would stand behind her and get her right leg on top of my right leg, with both hands I would hold her from under both armpit so that I may support her weight, then I would invite her to move her left leg forward without my help, and then I will move my right leg forward. This required having good balance and worked for us. This was also done in a bid to stimulate her muscles and coax her to respond to my invitations for her to use the right side which was partially paralyzed. At this point, she was still able to respond in two or three words. I could feel the desire and longing to survive this illness. This was a weekend of gains and losses. One poignant moment was when she tried lifting the glass of water to drink by herself. She was able to hold it with both hands but every effort to get it up to her mouth did not yield the desired result. Finally I reached out to help her drink from the cup. That night as I laid in bed, I wondered how the human brain works and how difficult and frustrating it must be for Blessing to try to do something we all take for granted – drinking from a cup – and not be able to do so. I wondered how frustrating it must be for all those who loose the ability to do something they were so used to doing. How could one reconcile the apparent loss of the ability to do simple things as one’s body becomes weak, the muscles shrink, and unable to carry out commands/message from the brain even when the message is understood? It was quite painful to watch that drama unfold. But it was not a drama! This is life, REAL!

On Sunday one of Blessing’s schoolmate and friend came to visit. She was shocked at how much Blessing had changed physically though she tried to put on a brave face. I know it is difficult for people who had not followed her through the process to see her at this stage. She has lost so much weight, recognizes people and once in a while could call people by name, but not able to carry on conversation except by signing or squeezing one’s fingers. I wondered what she thought as all these people came in to see her, what she thought about her inability to communicate and let people know what she thought. I also know that she felt the love from all of us.

On the day before I left Enugu to return to Canada, I had a chat with Blessing. I call it a chat because she communicated by squeezing my hand when I ask her questions. It was a painful heart-to-heart chat. I gave her a hug and as I left her bedroom, I wondered if this would be the last time I would be able to communicate with her in this manner. Later that night mom came into my bedroom for a chat. She wanted to know what I want her to do in case Blessing died while I was on my way. I told her that if anything happened, I would like to celebrate the funeral. We had a long chat which made me feel better as I was unsure how mom would feel about such topics as to what to do should the kind of miracle we pray for not materialize. Knowing that mom is ready for whatever the will of God may be gave me the assurance that they will be okay even without me being physically present.

Early the next morning, I got ready to go to the bus station. We gathered as a family to say a morning prayer. We sang some spontaneous songs, said some prayers and then comes one of the most difficult moments in my life, saying goodbye. As I sat on the edge of Blessing’s bed, I told her again that I was about to go to the bus station en route to Canada. Mom sat by the door watching. I held Blessing’s hand and told her that she will be in my prayers and that God is with her in her struggles. After a few words of encouragement, I leaned over and gave her a long hug. Mom could not hold it anymore so she left the room. When I was about to stand, my niece walked into the room. She sat by the bedside while I stroked Blessing’s hands, told her I love her and slowly made my way to the door. My heart was broken as I watched her trying to say something but the words could not come out. What a moment! It is impossible to express the emotions in words. All I remember is that I let the tears out all the way to the bust station.

When the bus left the station, there was a preacher who prayed with all in the bus. I realized that each bus owner employs the preachers to pray with the passengers. As we journeyed, I kept thinking of the comments made by the preacher in the bus I took the day I travelled from Lagos to Enugu. He said something to the effect that the bus owner, the driver, nor indeed anyone else but God had anything to do with the bus getting us to our destination. He also exaggerated the power of the devil by indicating that if everyone in the bus did not pray, the devil could work through the individual to effect an accident along the way. I remember asking the preacher for his phone number and calling him days after I got to Enugu. When I called him, I explained to him that while not disregarding the power of the devil, we need to stop giving credit to the devil for what the devil did not do. The fact is that the driver had much to do with the bust getting to its destination. If the driver did not get enough sleep or takes any mood changing substance, he would be risking people’s life. Along the same line, if the owners do not maintain their vehicle, the mechanical/physical laws would be disobeyed thereby rendering everyone’s life in danger as the vehicle could crash due to the parts not working well together. Since the roads have been neglected by the government, it is dangerous for people to travel on such roads. My goal was to get the preacher to see that some of the things people blame the devil for are results of neglect or people not fulfilling their responsibilities. While the devil has power, people need to be clear on what irresponsibility by others can effect and what the devil can effect. He was initially defensive but later agreed with most of my points. I did not expect him to agree wholly with me.

During the bus ride from Enugu to Lagos, I reflected on the good, the bad, and the somewhere in-between experiences I had throughout this process. It was nice to have this opportunity to be there for mom and my other family members as we go through this process.

More installments to follow

My journey to Nigeria

As I prepared to embark on this journey, I quickly began to realize how uncertain life can be and how the things we know and take for granted can easily vanish - the hopes and dreams, relationships, and even our life on this earth. All that remains is memory of the beautiful and good old days of blissful living, a time of innocence when the notions of loss seemed remote and our own mortality seldom crossed one‘s minds. Now I have to return to reality.


I had known that this will probably be the most difficult journey of my life so far. As I prepare to go spend time with my younger sister who had been struggling with adult deep-tissue melanoma cancer for over six years, a sense of fear overwhelmed me, fear of the unknown, fear of another major goodbye within the span of a year and half (this could make it the third one unless there is divine intervention in accordance with my wishes). I also worry about our beloved mother who has gone through a lot within those years with the sudden death of my father through heart-attack, the death of my father’s only sister through my grandmother, and now the possibility of the death of her own daughter. In faith, I entrusted all in God’s hands. Now, it is time to face reality!

When I arrived in Lagos, Nigeria, I realized that in stead of the usual one hour ride from the airport to Enugu, I would need to go by bus. The local airport runway in Enugu had been closed for update and will not be opened until late this year or early next year. So after spending the night in Lagos, I decided to take the early bus for what should have been a five and half to six hours journey. The journey was delayed for over an hour as confusion reigned from the ticket sales, to the weighing station (for loads/luggages), to the tagging station (for tagging all lugages). In the end, the luggage loaders eventually loaded all goods and we boarded. This was actually the easiest part of this leg of the journey. So, our journey began, and on and on the driver slowly inches his way out of Lagos and on the road to Enugu.

As we journeyed on, we noticed every vehicle passing us. We started to joke about the possibility that we would be the last of the many buses to reach our destination. I looked and saw that the speed limit for this very ABC bus was 90km per hour! The air condition in the vehicle sounded like the engine of a small engine plane going through turbulence. The road conditions coupled with the aging bus did not help the matter. There were several sections of the stretch of the only highway that leads from the South Western city of Lagos to the South Eastern state of Enugu that are badly in need of repair. Needless to say that we also passed some vehicles that broke down, with people by the roadside waving to see if we had any space available, but we were fully loaded and had no unoccupied seat. So, the journey went on with a mixture of paved sections, dusty sections, bumpy washed off sections, pothole sections and some stretches of better paved sections. The one good thing is that the TV in the bus was not operating so we had time to chat, joke, talk about whatever we passes, some slept (and woke and slept and woke) while some just looked out the window.

Soon after the pit stop in Benin City, we continued as the sky started turning darker, then came the rain. It rained, and rained, and rained! Unfortunately even with the bad weather, some of the smaller buses “flew” past us. Just about five minutes after we left the pit stop, we came upon an accident that just occurred. It was heart-breaking to see the lifeless body of a baby by the road, and a couple of people still trying to make it out of the overturned vehicle. Some people stopped to offer help. As our journey continued, I wondered why this little baby had to loose her life (as well as the other people who died). I wondered why the driver did not slow down in spite of the heavy rain storm. While many of us complained about the slowness of our driver, I began to realize that if we sped, we may get to the limits of disobeying the law of physics - speed versus slippery condition. The higher the speed is on a slippery condition, the more difficult it is to control the vehicle and the more likelihood of an accident occurring. Maybe God has a reason for us entering the slow moving bus. By the time I finally got to my mother’s in Enugu, it was already 11.00pm. So, the journey which should have taken me just over five hours ended up taking me 17 hours!

As soon as I got into the house, I went straight to see Blessing. Though in bad health, she was so happy to see me. She smiled but could not say much. I gave her a hug and spent some time with her. Soon after, she went to sleep for the night. The following morning, we celebrated the Eucharist with Blessing, mom, my older sister Martina, my cousin Chidiebere, my younger brother Anthony, and my niece Chioma. I know that Blessing understood most of the things we did even if she was not responding nor using any of the gestures. During communion, she received the Body and Blood of our Lord by intinction. She surprised me by responding, Amen. She could still say one or two words at a time but not much more. I thank God for the blessing of being present to her at her hours of need and being a support for my mother and my other brothers, Ifeanyi, Celes, and Hilla who would most certainly like to be here with all of us but could not at the moment. I know they all struggle with the situation as well. We talk a few times each day over the phone and they all make sure to speak to Blessing even though she may not respond except to say “Hello.”

Monday afternoon presented some difficulty as I had to discuss with my mother the possibility that we may not receive the kind of miracle we have been praying for. Soon after, mom went into her room and sat on a chair by her prayer corner, prayed, cried and lamented. I can see the pains in her as we all gathered around her and tried to console her. It was very painful to see her going through this. Mom has not had it very easy, having lost both parents when she was still about 8 years and having moved from one uncle to the other until she was old enough and met my father. One would think that life would be easy on her, NO!. After being engaged to my father and going through the pre-marriage instructions given by the nuns in those days, mom was getting ready for their wedding which was already fixed when my father became sick. The illness was such that they had to cancel her wedding and wait for one more year while my father recovered. At a stage, she thought that my father was going to die and she told us that she prayed so much and told God that if he died, she too will be lost as she could not see life without him. Her prayers were answered, and he made a full recovery. Their wedding was celebrated by the whole parish both as a thanksgiving to God and as a way of sharing their special day with all the people who helped and stood by them during their months of trial.

Mom’s next big trial came when my grandmother became sick and was bedridden. Mom became her primary caretaker and even after it was virtually impossible for her to do much, she ended up being with her most of the days in the hospital. The practice in the hospitals in Enugu is that the family did all the cleaning, bathing and washing of the things their loved ones use. So, mom did all these with help from her friends and a few family members. She did this until my grandmother died. That is not the end of her ordeal! She also went through my father dying suddenly of heart-attack and the process of planning to bring his remains for funeral and burial in Nigeria. Just after a year of this happening, my aunt (my father’s only sister from my grandmother) died after a long period of And now this! So one can understand her lamentation. After praying through her tears, we all watched pictures of my nephew and niece in Switzerland.

Later on Monday evening, when I finally mustered the courage to do some spontaneous prayers, we had one as a family. We cried, prayed, moaned in pain, and entrusted Blessing’s situation to God inn whom we trust and still hope for a miracle however it pleases HIM. We know that God is in control. This prayer was probably the most heartfelt prayer I have ever had in my entire life.

On Tuesday morning we noticed some improvements on Blessing. She is able to say a few more words. We celebrated the Eucharist, then she was fed her breakfast by my sister Martina. After that, we all spent time in the family room until she seemed to be tired and we took her back to her room. She had a good sleep. When she woke up, we spent time with her and she was able to express that she had pain when I tried repositioning her in the bed. When I asked her if it was on her left or right side, she said, “right shoulder.” It gave me great joy to see that she was able to say this.

Reflection:

As we journeyed along the highway to Enugu, I realized that life has changed for ever for the family whose little child died from the accident along Benin expressway. I wondered what the other families whose loved ones died would feel. I also thought about the possibility that this could have been averted.

When mom prayed through her cries to God, I thought about what agony our Blessed mother must have gone through seeing her innocent child go through this excruciating process of carrying the cross for which he prayed that the father take away from him. Was he surprised that God did not respond the way he expected? Was he afraid of what was about to happen to him? You bet. Was he courageous to undergo it? Of course he was. Does it make it emotionally easier? Not really.

The moment that broke my heart was when mom told me that she took the mirror out of the room because on one occasion Blessing looked in the mirror and after seeing how much she changed, she started to cry. How horrible it must feel for anyone about to die, knowing that one is dying and not being able to do anything to reverse the situation. How does it feel to look so different from who knew yourself to be as a result of an illness like cancer?

As I write this, I just noticed that my tears are running down but this is just how it feels - a sense of helplessness but not hopelessness. How does it feel to know that one is losing all control, bowel and all liquid movements, motor movements, ability to articulate most things. How does it feel to hear what others are saying, want to respond to it and not be able to make out the words? How does one handle such moments of confusion when one is not sure if it is her/him or the other faces who do not understand what they want to communicate to each other?

In life, one needs to start planning in case of whatever situation s/he may encounter in the future, for the what ifs…. Life is unpredictable. Sometimes reality presents difficulties but faith in God can lead one through the most difficult situations.

My take on "Burning The Koran"

I have to note that while this is a topic that has been in the news for many days, I did not see the need to jump in on it as I was hoping that the people involved will use due diligence and common sense in resolving the situation. At the heart of all this is the need for tolerance. Issues like this brings out the good, the bad, and the ugly in people's opinions.

That one person is taking an extreme position does not necessarily mean that the others will follow suit. I say this because I am deducing (and I may be wrong, and this is why I do not like talking about what I have no facts to support), that the pastor is fed up with muslim extremists' action and intolerance. However, in trying to make his point, he was so close to doing the same thing he condemns. I know that there are many good muslims just as there are many good Christians. There are also many people who adhere to extremist doctrines of intolerance.

What would Jesus have done in this situation? I think that for those who support the building of the Islamic Centre near ground zero, it may seem like a good idea as it is being sold to the people as a place where people may come to see and understand the other side of Islam - the peaceful and loving side; and not the one being portrayed frequently by the news media. For those who oppose it, it may be a sign of intolerance and showing no respect to the thousands of people killed on September 11th by Muslim extremists. From each one's point of view, she or he may seem right! It may be the best decision.

The biggest problem in this situation is that the inability of both sides to dialogue has resulted in each side building this very fortified brick wall such that it seems like each side is talking to the brick wall and not the other person. I think that the two sides ought to have sat down to dialogue this situation. The disaster of September 11th is so fresh in the minds of people whose loved one's were senselessly killed by extremists, and on the minds of most people who felt the pain of watching the two towers of the WTC crumble, and the shocking realization that this was not a Hollywood drama, this was REAL. Lives were lost, lives were destroyed! The prudent thing is for their to be a dialogue so that the pains of what happened may not be constantly scratched.

The Koran is not the problem, just as the Bible is not the problem. How would one feel to have what she or he cherishes destroyed? I would not want the Bible being burnt by anyone and I will not subscribe to anyone burning any holy book or any book cherished by another. Tolerance means acknowledging our differences and respecting each other's feelings. I think this is what is called for at this point in the history of America and the world in general.

As a Christian I always ask, what would Jesus do in this istuation? The suggestion would be to honour the dignity, life, and memory of all those killed in the attack. Buildings can be built in many other places and they can help as centre for understanding and tolerance. At this point, it seems like neither the building of the Islamic centre near the Ground Zero, or the proposed burning of the Koran will achieve tolerance and peace.

Follow-up on "My loved one commited suicide"

Thanks to Alyson, Glenn & Wanda for your responses with regards to judging or not judging people who committed suicide. The reality of people taking their own lives is a fact we face in our world today. While some take their lives due to perceived situations they cannot control, there are also those who do so as a result of controllable situations. One of such situations beyond one's control is mental illness, which unfortunately, affects many people all over the world. In some areas of the world, the lack of professional help means that most people who struggle with this illness are not diagnosed, and those diagnosed may not have access to medications and other forms of treatment.

It is important to note that my initial premise is that every human being is good, because they are created in God's image and likeness. When people do things, they are either controlled by other factors or they make the choice themselves. Mental health patients often do not have control over what is going on on their lives. These situations may become so intense to them though not to any other person. For instance, when a person is hallucinating, the individual may actually (in his or her realm of auditory or visual super-ability) be seeing things and hearing voices curtesy of the brain being manipulated either by influx of sensations, chemicals or lack thereoff the proper sensations or chemicals. This can be seen in the case of a person whose psychotic episode is induced by the use of drugs like cannabis, cocaine or other mind-altering drugs. These drugs which contain powerful chemicals that affect the chemical balance in the body as well as the way the brain interprets reality send massive sensations that bombard the brain thereby producing the psychosis and strange behaviours therewith.

While some forms of mental state can be controlled by avoiding or taking certain things, one has to note that it is not up to any human being to judge one who commits suicide. We may judge that a person's attitude towards drugs is not healthy and try to help them quit. Most of those who commit suicide are good people deep down (and when they are not controlled by some other influences). There are also people pushed to the brinks by their situations, be they abuse, frustration with work or family, or wrong perception of life, religion, faith or race relations. I always remind myself that I cannot judge for judgement belongs to God alone.

My loved one committed suicide!

Often people want to know what happens to a person who commits suicide. There are several questions that arise from this: Would the individual be saved eternally? I couldn’t stop him/her! Some of these questions arise due to the stigma attached to suicide and the possibility that many people did not understand what leads an individual into committing such an act.



It is pertinent that we point out that the decision to commit suicide is one of the signs that one has reached the lowest point in his/her life and often after some struggles with deep depression. However depression starts, it is one of the most misunderstood illnesses of our time, and though there have been progresses made within the mental health realm, majority of the populace still hold varying negative opinions about it. That explains why one can think of an individual struggling with depression, “snap out of it!” One would wish it is that easy to snap out of it, but it is not.



So, what happens to people who commit suicide? Many Catholics can still remember the time when the church in different parts of the world would not celebrate the funeral of an individual who committed suicide. The church has since relaxed this rule and today celebrates the funeral of individuals who commit suicide. The churches stand stemmed from its teaching on human life. According to this doctrine, no one has the right to take life, “Thou shall not kill.” So, any form of killing is not permitted by the church. This teaching, rooted in the Judeo-Christian biblical revelation is at the root of the Church’s stand on abortion, euthanasia, homicide, and suicide. Why did the church start burying people who commit suicide? The answer to this is based on the culpability factors. Research and notes left by individuals who commit suicide shine lights on their state of mind which often is a state of despair and hopelessness. Often their thinking is controlled by the intense emotions they deal which can drive them into believing that the only possible alternative for reprieve from their feelings and situations would be to end it all. In many of these letters/notes left by the individuals, there are apologies to family members and some form of mea culpa. Some of those who commit suicide also see it as a way to give reprieve to their family members who in a sense experience and witness their agonies, and some see it as an “act of love,” as one statement indicated, “I love them so much and did not want them to continue to see me in this situation, I don’t want them to suffer emotionally anymore because of me.” These statements may not be quite logical but that is the logic they work with. So, the Church recognizes that judgement belongs to God and none of us knows what may have transpired in the mind of the individual just at the moment of death – whether they made peace with God or asked for forgiveness. Because of this, none of us can decide or dictate the fate of individuals, it is between them and God. On our part, we always pray and hope that there was that last communication/prayer from the individual, as did one of the thieves buried with Christ who states, “Jesus, remember me when you get into your kingdom.” We hope the mercy of God will lead them to receive such beautiful words, “Today you will be with me in my kingdom.”



Could anyone have prevented them from committing suicide? In some cases yes, and in others, no. In cases where one makes the revelation that he/she is struggling and has suicidal thoughts, one can help the individual to seek professional care and this often helps. Counselling, medication and connection to people and relationships that matter in one’s life can be a great asset. However despite some of these helps, one can still slip through the cracks. Often family members of one who commits suicide have enormous guilty feelings – “...maybe I could have done more, why didn’t I see this coming? What else should I have done that I failed to do,” and the list goes on. Some may feel personal responsibility because they “should have been able to prevent it.” The reality is that sometimes even with the best efforts and the best intentions one may not be able to prevent the situation. It is important that one not drown in guilt as that may lead to its own problems.



While in conversation with an individual a couple of years ago, I realized that he was of the opinion that all those who commit suicide had no hope of salvation. While not supporting the committing of suicide, I wanted him to know that it was not up to any human being to judge and condemn another. We may condemn the actions, but not the individual. By a stretch of the imagination, I started thinking that here he is condemning others while in a sense, people are slowly committing suicide. Why do I make this assertion? Because often we know that something is going to destroy our system and lead to death, and yet we keep eating/drinking/smoking it. I give example with eating food rich in saturated fat/oil as well as salt, which by the way, may be more tastier than food without them, we know that one will clog our arteries and the other will raise our blood pressure (which could lead to heart attack and stroke) and yet we consume them. There are several other ways we slowly kill our systems. The above statements generated heated debates with a couple of friends at different times.

I have to make it clear that in no way do I compare suicide to one eating what may be bad for his or her system. It is important for one to put things in perspective. Suicide should be discouraged in every situation. Most people who commit suicide probably reached out and cried for help, unfortunately sometimes, these reaching out were not understood or timely help is not offered. Suicide destroys something in the one’s whose family member commits it. God's mercy is everlasting and in abundance!

Attempting Suicide to Hurt Her/him!

Recently I was chatting with an individual (she gave permission to use her story though no name or identifying features will be used) who attempted to commit suicide so that her ex-boyfriend may feel the pain of what she felt. This happened while she was in high school. This is a very common issue with both young people and adults, often after a hurtful situation such as break-up, separation, or divorce. The urge to make another feel the pain of what one is going through in such a situation is probably one of the most powerful emotions resulting from the inability to put things in perspective due to clouded rational mode of thinking one has in times of grief, pain, and anger. How is one expected to handle such thought?

It is important for anyone who is going through distress to think about the reality she or he faces, and if possible, consult another person whom she or he trusts to help them navigate through their emotions. It is also important for anyone who is consulted in such a situation to be firm but loving in their clarification of reality based on basic civic rationality. This is not a time to start pushing the other to see things the way one does, but a time to help them see that there are more ways to deal with their situation. The goal is to propose but not enforce.

To respond to the question we are dealing with, one has to look at the integrity of the human person, both from the divine and natural perspectives. From the divine one can assert the Judeo-Christian revelation on the creation of every human being in God's image and likeness. Since one is created in such a way, it is imperative that one honours her/his person in realization of the fact that God's spirit dwells in him/her. Would one necessarily want to destroy that image even in time of distress? Not really. Even in case of mental illness (which we shall discuss some day), one does not really wish to be destructive. From the natural perspective, one of the most deeply ingrained needs in the human person is the need to preserve one's life. That is why one often fights or flees to preserve herself/himself when faced with danger. That is also the reason behind parents going to any legth to protect their own.

On the other hand, one has to remember that she/he lived many years before meeting that individual and can still live for years with or without that person. In other words, one had a life before meeting the individual, and can still have life without the individual in her/his life. So, when people break up, are separated or divorced, one feels rejected, dejected, depressed and all sorts of emotions. What the one who rejects you is saying is that she/he does not care about you. I often ask people the basic question: "Do you think that it is worth is to destroy your own life for some one who does not care about you, and would be happy to see you gone forever or at least for as long as she/he lives on the face of the earth?" Why would one make the ultimate sacrifice for another if they do not care for the sacrifice (apart from that of Christ)?

Who really gets hurt? I think that the answer is: Not really the one who you intend to hurt by such act! It is the parents, children, friends and those who are close to and care for the individual. The one who rejects you may care for what happens to you but can rationalize it as your choice. And that is in a sense true because it is one's choice to seek other ways to deal with what happened. Suicide is not the best way out because at the funeral for one who commits suicide, it is often those who one does not intend to hurt that end up being there, they are the ones who struggle with this, they are the ones who feel HURT, they are th eunintended sufferers.

What is the best thing to do? If one is hurt so badly, I think it is best to seek someone the individual can talk to, especially a professional who understands how to deal with emotional distress - a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a consellor, a priest. While one may talk to her/his friends, it is important to recognize that one's friends may not be versed in handling such a situation. If one has been involved with someone who commits suicide to her her/him, it is also important to see professional help so that one does not carry an unnecessary emotional baggage.

Please leave a comment or question if you have any. 

Questions from Prayer and Free Will

Thanks Len for the following questions and for your comments. In ressponse to the first question on: "What would life be like if everything worked out “right” in accordance with some pre-determined plan?" I thinkk there may be a bend towards determinism. With this comes the philosophical undertone that every human action is causally determined (causal laws guide all actions) and results can be predictable - life would then be seen as an unbroken chain of events dating back to the origin of the universe. This will in essence take away the possibility of anyone changing his/her course of action as that would be outside the realm of what one can do. However, as we all know, people can change and make decisions that are sometimes unpredictable.

Predeterminism takes away the possibility of free will. This also takes away the possibility of true love as true love cannot exist without freedom to choose. If a person is forced to marry someone she does not love just because it was already predetermined, then the freedom to fall in love vanishes with it. The same goes with the freedom to do so many other things including choosing what one eats, where one lives, what kind of job one does and so many other things. Granted that there are some areas where one may not have the ability to chooose, for instance, one's parents or children, for the most part, one has greater freedom in choosing other things. Now this does not mean that there is predeterminism in this because such is controlled by biological laws. Natural and physical laws do not mean determinism.

For things to work out "right" does not necessarily mean a realisation of a "perfect" world. Things work out right but sometimes not in the way or order we wish. So, with regards to the speculation of what life would be if everything worked out "right" in accordance with some pre-determined laws, I will say that this will propose a philosophical view of a pure mechanical universe and humans governed by mechanical laws, who are incapable of making choices. This will also take away the possibility to exercise one of the most basic needs, the power of love - love of God, neighbour, children and parents. If one cannot choose, there will also be no need for trying to teach people, no need for people who for instance, have been in trouble with the law to change and become better people. It could also lead to choas as each individual can defend his/her actions as pre-determined and one he/she has no power to change. So, instead of having a perfect world, we may have a very chaotic world.


On the second question "Good judgement is a result of Experience. Does not Experience result from bad judgement?" of course they are vice versa. One learns from experience just as one's mistakes provides opportunity for correcting what one may have misjudged. On the first part - good judgement is a result of Experience - it is important to note that with age comes experience. The knowledge one gets from experiences of either doing something right or wrong helps the individual to make better judgement. For instance, as a teenager, one may not necessarily appreciate the juggling acts parenst do to make ends meet financially and otherwise. As one gets older and starts to work, he or she may realize that it takes a lot to calculate how much money should be spent on certain things. One may also realize why mom and dad would not allow him or her to go to certain places at certain times or do certain things.

On the second section - does not experience result from bad judgement? - I agree with you. We all make judgements all the time with regards to what we do, eat, wear and so on. Many of us have also made mistakes that helped us to learn because they were the wrong things to do. In today's world, many people in the United States, for instance, have made poor judgement regarding buying a house or other major purchases. With this comes the many foreclosures resulting from the housing mortgage bubble burst of the last few years. While this is an unfortunate situation, it is helping some people to realize that one has to weigh one's finances, possibilities of unforseen accidents and the market trend in order to decide if one can afford buying an expensive house or not. Also, if one has had an accident, one is more inclined to avoid occasions that lead to the same kindof accident. We see that in children too. If for instance a child who is able to understand touches fire/candle light, she or he will probably avoid touching it a second time because it hurts.

I hope I fully understand this last one - Human Freedom is advanced from knowing what we actually believe; “know thyself". Is there advancement in Human Freedom from knowing what we are expected to believe?. I can say that depending on what we are expected to believe and what informs it, human freedom can be advanced or diminished. That we are expected to believe something does not necessarily make it right, for instance, people were expected to believe that slavery was good, and they did, but it only diminished some people's freedom. So, knowing what is "right" and by this I mean what is informed by divine and natural law.

There is greater freedom from knowing what we are expected t believe when that is in accordance with expected civic knowledge informed by divine law. Knowing that all humans are created equal, in God's image and likeness helps us to honour and respect all people's rights and dignity. Knowing that all humans desire the same things - to be happy, to be loved, to be accepted, to be part of the community helps us to work towards realizing such goals. We know and believe that children are precious and older people though frail, are valued leads us to enact laws to protect the most vulnerable in our society, and to treat our children in a more respectable way. Knowing that young people become their best when appreciated helps us to learn other ways of getting them to develop rather than using the cane.

So, advancement in psychology, theology, sociology and other human sciences help us to know how we ought to treat others thereby creating a greater freedom of interaction between peoples and age ranges. Since we believe certain things asa a result of the knowledge we have - for instance that all people have the same organs, same kind of blood system - we have come to a better appreciation and a human freedom has been advanced and continues to be advanced.

Once more, thanks for the questions and input.

GOD is Responsible?

God is responsible for all that happens in our life, right? This is often the assumption behind the question, "why would my ... die early?" Why would people not live longer? Why do young people die and leave heartbroken parents to deal with the loss? Why should my sister/brother die of cancer? Why did God take my mother early? God's responsibility generates all kinds of questions. When it comes to human beings and their longevity, could God have made it so that people live much longer? This is a difficult topic to handle especially if one has had the experience of burying a young family member, a husband or wife who did not live to a ripe old age. More so, it becomes even more touching if one's family member died suddenly, or from illness at a young age.

Granted that people living longer will minimize the grief of burying someoone young and maybe, give more people the opportunity to live and see many generations within their family, the reality is far from this. To try and dabble into this, we need to look at the purpose of creation from the Judeo-Christian perspective. In the book of Genesis God said, "Let us make humans after our own image and likeness... Then God made them, male and female he made them..." God gave them the injunction to increase and multiply. Then Adam and Eve lost the privilege of being in the Garden of Eden. The rest is our history of salvation and the journey to return to the ideal of the place whhere all will live in peace and joy. The choice of our first ancestors led to the initial loss of the place of innocence. So, God's unselfish desire to share himself led to the creation of our first ancestors. Would he have craeted them so that they may die early? Not really. However, the initial choice led to the loss of the privileges of Eden.

What if people could live for ever on earth? Theologically, there will be no need for heaven. The other thing is that the material resources may be quite scarce by now. The human body is also made to start losing its abilities and start declining after certain number of years. While this is a speculation, the possibility of this crosses our minds once in a while.

So, is God responsible for the death of my loved one? When illness occurs, who is responsible? God is in charge of all of human affairs! However, with the freedom we have, the choices we make and/or others make for us may lead to inevitable ends. The human body and indeed all of creation is an intricate and complex masterpiece of God. Consider for instance, how the human brain which controls the movements and thought processes function. To the general population, it looks like a blob of tissues with specialized functions, but to the scientific eyes, it is a very complex and highly efficient body of cells that make all kinds of connections and sensory perceptions leading to different motor reactions. Think of the human torso and the precious organs it protects. Imagine how all these organs work in harmony to keep us alive. Now, what happens when these functions cease, either suddenly or gradually? Death occurs!

Realistically speaking, some deaths could have been prevented, for instance, death from drunk driving if the drunk person made the choice not to drive after drinking, death from unecessary accident if the individual made the choice to not go to the place where the preventable accident occurs, for instance, young people avoiding going for a fight, or avoiding playing in a field during thunder and lightening. On the other hand, there are deaths which could be prevented but the individual has no control over it, for instance, when a person eats contaminated food without knowing - bacterial or viral infection. There is also death from preventable illnesses. There is death due to old age and death due to neglect. In essence, there are certain external and internal factors affecting life expectancy, health/death.

Apart from these, when illness or death occurs, can we question God? Looking at it from the New Testament perspective, yes and no. The reason why this seems contradictory is that it depends on how one sees questioning God. Looking at it from the Passion of Christ, one can see that there were moments when he asked God a very serious question. Though Christ knew his mission and understood what it entails (see also the Transfiguration), he still prayed in the Garden for the cup to be taken away from him. While on the cross, in his human nature he was probably feeling alone and abandoned, and that is why he cried out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" When we read this passage, we often read it in a mellowed voice but it was a shout oof frustration. Imagine how you would speak to a person whom you trusted and who did not grant you what you humanly wanted, that is probably the way Christ spoke to God at that point. However he also recognizes that God does not abandon his own, and says, "Father, into your hands I commend my spirit." So, can one question God? In time of extreme suffering or distress, one has the tendency to question God. However, it is important to look at all the factors surrounding what is happening to the individual. Sometimes, it is much easier to lay blames on others rather than look at the reality.

Christ's purpose for coming as one of us is to die in order to redeem us from the power of the consequences of our first ancestors' mistake. What about the one's who came to live for as long as they can but unfortunately die young? The answer may be in the choices being made for us trough the generations. What if there are no pollutions in our skies, food, water, materials we use and lawns? What if people could live in harmony and enjoy each other's company without fighting over all kinds of trivial matters? What if humans are able to respect each other and make the earth a ppeaceful place? What if all human stressors no longer exist and people can enjoy the sunshine (with lots of sunscreen), the rain, the warmth of summer, and the cool winter breeze? This would be an ideal situation, and could lead to humans living longer and a drastic reduction in the number of illnesses and death. Research shows that stress, lack of rest, lack of proper nutrition, inadequate amount of liquid intake, and pollution in food and air are responsible for most illnesses.

When people struggle with illness, death or other difficult situations, this could lead to asking questions of God. Personally I asked the same kind of question when my father died suddenly from heartattack while I was on the phone with him. My initial reaction was to ask God the question, "WHY?" I soon thought about it and realized that there were laws that controlled what happens in the human body. Unfortunately, most of us do not pay much attention or in some cases ignore them entirely even when we know the consequences of such action. My father's situation is probably one of such. While none of us knew that he may have had heart problems, he could be dismissing it as nothing more than a strained muscle around the heart or other things. He may not even have known that he had any issue with his arteries. This does not excuse him from the consequences of what happens to people with such problems - atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease. That he probably did not know he had the illness does not excuse the laws guiding the effects on the human body. So, should we question God at this situation? Probably not. We accept it and then see what can be done to avoid such happening again. There are ways to avoid such early and untimely death.

I want to note that God is responsible but we are also responsible. God's responsibility is to put laws in nature to help us live happily and survive different situations on earth. However, we or others sometimes make choices that affect us either positively or negatively. It is our responsibility to try to understand the laws guiding creation, the human body, and our relationship with one another and God. Respecting these laws may help us live longer and avoid some unfortunate situations.

Please let me know your reaction to this.

On Prayer

Please read FOLLOW-UP ON "WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?" for a better understanding of my take on prayer.

Some readers have e-mailed requesting for input on prayer. While it is not an indepth explanation of types of prayer, the follow-up on why bad things happen to good people explores my understanding of prayers and God's will.

I also have to note that as parents, many people know what their children need and provide those, they also know what their children want. Often the wants are made available but depending on the parent's determination of the need of the child, she or he may or may not provide what the child wants even when the child asks for it. In not granting that, the parent also answered the request - she/he says NO. No good parent will, for instance, allow the child to eat only cookies for days because the child wants to do so. While this may seem good to the child, the parent knows that this may eventually hurt the child's health. Along the same way God knows what we need and what we want. In accordance to his will, he allows certain things and does not allow certain things depending on the need/want of the individual. What we sometimes perceive to be our need may not necessarily be a need, just as what our children often perceive to be need may end up not being so.

There sometimes seem to be discrepancy in the way that people get certain things while others do not. It is important to note that these may be as a result of the possibility that two persons may react to the same thing in different ways. One may say, why would God not give what I "need" and leave the rest to me? Often we do not give our children everything they think they need so we can leave the rest to them. To do so may spell trouble for our children.

Free will and choices

One of our readers presented a question that often occupy the minds of people: "...Why did God give us free will?" Looking at the situation many people get themselves in and how often they wish they never got that far, this question becomes even more legitimate. Why would a loving God allow one to make a choice that may end up going against social norms, civic obligations, respect for the dignity and rights of others, and above all, against the will of God himself? If he is all-powerful, why would he not make things go smoothly and make us always make perfect choices. Some people insist that God should have made it in such a way that all our actions are predestined and we just have to act accordingly. As enticing as this may sound, it may present a few issues. I think that we need to ask, do we really want God to predetermine all our actions?

As we all know, there are huge differences between animate and inanimate objects. These include, but are not limited to the ability of the animate objects/subjects to desire (love, care, acceptance), to be satisfied, to seek what it needs (sunlight/heat/warmth, nutrition/food). They also have different laws guiding their actions, for instance, while biological law and physical law may work in harmony, they may not be applied the same way to animate and inanimate objects. Human beings desire differently from the way plants desire, they seek to be satisfied differently, they seek the satisfaction of their needs differently. On the other hand, their modes of seeking these things differentiates them from inanimate objects like rocks. At the heart of the matter is the realization that inanimate objects do not have the ability to control their direction (physical law enforced), have no desires nor the ability to love, and do not necessarily get satisfied in the same sense an animate object does.

What defines us as humans is the ability to love. According to the Judeo-Christian tradition, God is love. Therefore, LOVE created us in his image and likeness. So that which makes us truly who we should be is the ability to love. Socially, our children start learning to love as soon as they are born - we transfer this inate ability to them, and even in cases where there seems to have been a rejection of the indivdual due to abandonment or other social issues, the ability to love is not destroyed but may be limited. Through counselling and education one may regain part or the whole ability. So it is safe to assert that we always love our children.

In North America as in many other parts of the world, people who have enough do their best to provide for their children, to teach them to be independent (at least when they get older), to be their own personality, and to sometimes make mistakes from which they learn valuable lessons. Of course when they are little, we control almost everything they do, eat, drink and wear, we make choices that affect them there and then as well as prepare them for the future. This is not because we are control freaks but because they are not yet fully developed emotionally, intellectually and otherwise. As they get older, we let them choose certain things and the activities they engage in - we explain to them the consequences of their choices. As they finish university and go out to the workforce, they often have their independence but may consult us for advice. So we help them to actualize themselves. In the same way spouses have the ability to help each other actualize themselves. This process of actualization is based on freedom rooted in love and not in control.

Can there be true love without freedom? Not really. Imagine a situation where a spouse controls his/her partner's food, drinks, what to wear, what to say and where to go on a daily basis, can one claim to love the other in this case? Imagine a situation where as an individual without mental health or physical health issues one's actions, thoughts and movements are controlled by another.

God is love. Love is actualized in freedom. Through the Judeo-Christian scripture, natural and divine laws, God reveals to humans the consequences their actions. In it he states that he sets before us options and our choice determines the outcome and consequence. If God starts controlling all the choices we make or predetermining them, we will end up being robots. Robots, like all inanimate objects do not have the ability to truly love, to desire, and control their movements (unless preprogrammed). Because humans are created in God's image and likeness, their ability to make choices is based on true love. Just like we do not control all the actions of our grown children, spouses or friends, God does not control us. God let's us actualize ourselves in freedom, it is up to us to choose to do the things that go in accordance with the laws he set before us whether in the natural physical world or in divine revelations.

So, why did God give us free will? The simple answer is: Because he loves us. God could have predetermined all our actions but this would mean that we would not have the ability to do what we may want to do or at least to experiment on certain things. It will be a strange world if humans and other animate objects do not have the ability to think for themselves and to choose things. Most people frown at the fact that in some cultures, people are forced to do what they would not ordinarily want to do. People frown at any kind of slavery (in history or modern day), forced marriage (with or without spousal love), child labour, child soldier, and any form of abuse of the individual. These things occur when there is no love and freedom of choice is removed either by force or by indoctrination. Of course God cannot confine his image and likeness to a robotic existence for this will negate God.

Should you have any question or want to comment on this or any other idea or issue, please feel free to do so.