My journey to Nigeria

As I prepared to embark on this journey, I quickly began to realize how uncertain life can be and how the things we know and take for granted can easily vanish - the hopes and dreams, relationships, and even our life on this earth. All that remains is memory of the beautiful and good old days of blissful living, a time of innocence when the notions of loss seemed remote and our own mortality seldom crossed one‘s minds. Now I have to return to reality.


I had known that this will probably be the most difficult journey of my life so far. As I prepare to go spend time with my younger sister who had been struggling with adult deep-tissue melanoma cancer for over six years, a sense of fear overwhelmed me, fear of the unknown, fear of another major goodbye within the span of a year and half (this could make it the third one unless there is divine intervention in accordance with my wishes). I also worry about our beloved mother who has gone through a lot within those years with the sudden death of my father through heart-attack, the death of my father’s only sister through my grandmother, and now the possibility of the death of her own daughter. In faith, I entrusted all in God’s hands. Now, it is time to face reality!

When I arrived in Lagos, Nigeria, I realized that in stead of the usual one hour ride from the airport to Enugu, I would need to go by bus. The local airport runway in Enugu had been closed for update and will not be opened until late this year or early next year. So after spending the night in Lagos, I decided to take the early bus for what should have been a five and half to six hours journey. The journey was delayed for over an hour as confusion reigned from the ticket sales, to the weighing station (for loads/luggages), to the tagging station (for tagging all lugages). In the end, the luggage loaders eventually loaded all goods and we boarded. This was actually the easiest part of this leg of the journey. So, our journey began, and on and on the driver slowly inches his way out of Lagos and on the road to Enugu.

As we journeyed on, we noticed every vehicle passing us. We started to joke about the possibility that we would be the last of the many buses to reach our destination. I looked and saw that the speed limit for this very ABC bus was 90km per hour! The air condition in the vehicle sounded like the engine of a small engine plane going through turbulence. The road conditions coupled with the aging bus did not help the matter. There were several sections of the stretch of the only highway that leads from the South Western city of Lagos to the South Eastern state of Enugu that are badly in need of repair. Needless to say that we also passed some vehicles that broke down, with people by the roadside waving to see if we had any space available, but we were fully loaded and had no unoccupied seat. So, the journey went on with a mixture of paved sections, dusty sections, bumpy washed off sections, pothole sections and some stretches of better paved sections. The one good thing is that the TV in the bus was not operating so we had time to chat, joke, talk about whatever we passes, some slept (and woke and slept and woke) while some just looked out the window.

Soon after the pit stop in Benin City, we continued as the sky started turning darker, then came the rain. It rained, and rained, and rained! Unfortunately even with the bad weather, some of the smaller buses “flew” past us. Just about five minutes after we left the pit stop, we came upon an accident that just occurred. It was heart-breaking to see the lifeless body of a baby by the road, and a couple of people still trying to make it out of the overturned vehicle. Some people stopped to offer help. As our journey continued, I wondered why this little baby had to loose her life (as well as the other people who died). I wondered why the driver did not slow down in spite of the heavy rain storm. While many of us complained about the slowness of our driver, I began to realize that if we sped, we may get to the limits of disobeying the law of physics - speed versus slippery condition. The higher the speed is on a slippery condition, the more difficult it is to control the vehicle and the more likelihood of an accident occurring. Maybe God has a reason for us entering the slow moving bus. By the time I finally got to my mother’s in Enugu, it was already 11.00pm. So, the journey which should have taken me just over five hours ended up taking me 17 hours!

As soon as I got into the house, I went straight to see Blessing. Though in bad health, she was so happy to see me. She smiled but could not say much. I gave her a hug and spent some time with her. Soon after, she went to sleep for the night. The following morning, we celebrated the Eucharist with Blessing, mom, my older sister Martina, my cousin Chidiebere, my younger brother Anthony, and my niece Chioma. I know that Blessing understood most of the things we did even if she was not responding nor using any of the gestures. During communion, she received the Body and Blood of our Lord by intinction. She surprised me by responding, Amen. She could still say one or two words at a time but not much more. I thank God for the blessing of being present to her at her hours of need and being a support for my mother and my other brothers, Ifeanyi, Celes, and Hilla who would most certainly like to be here with all of us but could not at the moment. I know they all struggle with the situation as well. We talk a few times each day over the phone and they all make sure to speak to Blessing even though she may not respond except to say “Hello.”

Monday afternoon presented some difficulty as I had to discuss with my mother the possibility that we may not receive the kind of miracle we have been praying for. Soon after, mom went into her room and sat on a chair by her prayer corner, prayed, cried and lamented. I can see the pains in her as we all gathered around her and tried to console her. It was very painful to see her going through this. Mom has not had it very easy, having lost both parents when she was still about 8 years and having moved from one uncle to the other until she was old enough and met my father. One would think that life would be easy on her, NO!. After being engaged to my father and going through the pre-marriage instructions given by the nuns in those days, mom was getting ready for their wedding which was already fixed when my father became sick. The illness was such that they had to cancel her wedding and wait for one more year while my father recovered. At a stage, she thought that my father was going to die and she told us that she prayed so much and told God that if he died, she too will be lost as she could not see life without him. Her prayers were answered, and he made a full recovery. Their wedding was celebrated by the whole parish both as a thanksgiving to God and as a way of sharing their special day with all the people who helped and stood by them during their months of trial.

Mom’s next big trial came when my grandmother became sick and was bedridden. Mom became her primary caretaker and even after it was virtually impossible for her to do much, she ended up being with her most of the days in the hospital. The practice in the hospitals in Enugu is that the family did all the cleaning, bathing and washing of the things their loved ones use. So, mom did all these with help from her friends and a few family members. She did this until my grandmother died. That is not the end of her ordeal! She also went through my father dying suddenly of heart-attack and the process of planning to bring his remains for funeral and burial in Nigeria. Just after a year of this happening, my aunt (my father’s only sister from my grandmother) died after a long period of And now this! So one can understand her lamentation. After praying through her tears, we all watched pictures of my nephew and niece in Switzerland.

Later on Monday evening, when I finally mustered the courage to do some spontaneous prayers, we had one as a family. We cried, prayed, moaned in pain, and entrusted Blessing’s situation to God inn whom we trust and still hope for a miracle however it pleases HIM. We know that God is in control. This prayer was probably the most heartfelt prayer I have ever had in my entire life.

On Tuesday morning we noticed some improvements on Blessing. She is able to say a few more words. We celebrated the Eucharist, then she was fed her breakfast by my sister Martina. After that, we all spent time in the family room until she seemed to be tired and we took her back to her room. She had a good sleep. When she woke up, we spent time with her and she was able to express that she had pain when I tried repositioning her in the bed. When I asked her if it was on her left or right side, she said, “right shoulder.” It gave me great joy to see that she was able to say this.

Reflection:

As we journeyed along the highway to Enugu, I realized that life has changed for ever for the family whose little child died from the accident along Benin expressway. I wondered what the other families whose loved ones died would feel. I also thought about the possibility that this could have been averted.

When mom prayed through her cries to God, I thought about what agony our Blessed mother must have gone through seeing her innocent child go through this excruciating process of carrying the cross for which he prayed that the father take away from him. Was he surprised that God did not respond the way he expected? Was he afraid of what was about to happen to him? You bet. Was he courageous to undergo it? Of course he was. Does it make it emotionally easier? Not really.

The moment that broke my heart was when mom told me that she took the mirror out of the room because on one occasion Blessing looked in the mirror and after seeing how much she changed, she started to cry. How horrible it must feel for anyone about to die, knowing that one is dying and not being able to do anything to reverse the situation. How does it feel to look so different from who knew yourself to be as a result of an illness like cancer?

As I write this, I just noticed that my tears are running down but this is just how it feels - a sense of helplessness but not hopelessness. How does it feel to know that one is losing all control, bowel and all liquid movements, motor movements, ability to articulate most things. How does it feel to hear what others are saying, want to respond to it and not be able to make out the words? How does one handle such moments of confusion when one is not sure if it is her/him or the other faces who do not understand what they want to communicate to each other?

In life, one needs to start planning in case of whatever situation s/he may encounter in the future, for the what ifs…. Life is unpredictable. Sometimes reality presents difficulties but faith in God can lead one through the most difficult situations.

My take on "Burning The Koran"

I have to note that while this is a topic that has been in the news for many days, I did not see the need to jump in on it as I was hoping that the people involved will use due diligence and common sense in resolving the situation. At the heart of all this is the need for tolerance. Issues like this brings out the good, the bad, and the ugly in people's opinions.

That one person is taking an extreme position does not necessarily mean that the others will follow suit. I say this because I am deducing (and I may be wrong, and this is why I do not like talking about what I have no facts to support), that the pastor is fed up with muslim extremists' action and intolerance. However, in trying to make his point, he was so close to doing the same thing he condemns. I know that there are many good muslims just as there are many good Christians. There are also many people who adhere to extremist doctrines of intolerance.

What would Jesus have done in this situation? I think that for those who support the building of the Islamic Centre near ground zero, it may seem like a good idea as it is being sold to the people as a place where people may come to see and understand the other side of Islam - the peaceful and loving side; and not the one being portrayed frequently by the news media. For those who oppose it, it may be a sign of intolerance and showing no respect to the thousands of people killed on September 11th by Muslim extremists. From each one's point of view, she or he may seem right! It may be the best decision.

The biggest problem in this situation is that the inability of both sides to dialogue has resulted in each side building this very fortified brick wall such that it seems like each side is talking to the brick wall and not the other person. I think that the two sides ought to have sat down to dialogue this situation. The disaster of September 11th is so fresh in the minds of people whose loved one's were senselessly killed by extremists, and on the minds of most people who felt the pain of watching the two towers of the WTC crumble, and the shocking realization that this was not a Hollywood drama, this was REAL. Lives were lost, lives were destroyed! The prudent thing is for their to be a dialogue so that the pains of what happened may not be constantly scratched.

The Koran is not the problem, just as the Bible is not the problem. How would one feel to have what she or he cherishes destroyed? I would not want the Bible being burnt by anyone and I will not subscribe to anyone burning any holy book or any book cherished by another. Tolerance means acknowledging our differences and respecting each other's feelings. I think this is what is called for at this point in the history of America and the world in general.

As a Christian I always ask, what would Jesus do in this istuation? The suggestion would be to honour the dignity, life, and memory of all those killed in the attack. Buildings can be built in many other places and they can help as centre for understanding and tolerance. At this point, it seems like neither the building of the Islamic centre near the Ground Zero, or the proposed burning of the Koran will achieve tolerance and peace.

Follow-up on "My loved one commited suicide"

Thanks to Alyson, Glenn & Wanda for your responses with regards to judging or not judging people who committed suicide. The reality of people taking their own lives is a fact we face in our world today. While some take their lives due to perceived situations they cannot control, there are also those who do so as a result of controllable situations. One of such situations beyond one's control is mental illness, which unfortunately, affects many people all over the world. In some areas of the world, the lack of professional help means that most people who struggle with this illness are not diagnosed, and those diagnosed may not have access to medications and other forms of treatment.

It is important to note that my initial premise is that every human being is good, because they are created in God's image and likeness. When people do things, they are either controlled by other factors or they make the choice themselves. Mental health patients often do not have control over what is going on on their lives. These situations may become so intense to them though not to any other person. For instance, when a person is hallucinating, the individual may actually (in his or her realm of auditory or visual super-ability) be seeing things and hearing voices curtesy of the brain being manipulated either by influx of sensations, chemicals or lack thereoff the proper sensations or chemicals. This can be seen in the case of a person whose psychotic episode is induced by the use of drugs like cannabis, cocaine or other mind-altering drugs. These drugs which contain powerful chemicals that affect the chemical balance in the body as well as the way the brain interprets reality send massive sensations that bombard the brain thereby producing the psychosis and strange behaviours therewith.

While some forms of mental state can be controlled by avoiding or taking certain things, one has to note that it is not up to any human being to judge one who commits suicide. We may judge that a person's attitude towards drugs is not healthy and try to help them quit. Most of those who commit suicide are good people deep down (and when they are not controlled by some other influences). There are also people pushed to the brinks by their situations, be they abuse, frustration with work or family, or wrong perception of life, religion, faith or race relations. I always remind myself that I cannot judge for judgement belongs to God alone.

My loved one committed suicide!

Often people want to know what happens to a person who commits suicide. There are several questions that arise from this: Would the individual be saved eternally? I couldn’t stop him/her! Some of these questions arise due to the stigma attached to suicide and the possibility that many people did not understand what leads an individual into committing such an act.



It is pertinent that we point out that the decision to commit suicide is one of the signs that one has reached the lowest point in his/her life and often after some struggles with deep depression. However depression starts, it is one of the most misunderstood illnesses of our time, and though there have been progresses made within the mental health realm, majority of the populace still hold varying negative opinions about it. That explains why one can think of an individual struggling with depression, “snap out of it!” One would wish it is that easy to snap out of it, but it is not.



So, what happens to people who commit suicide? Many Catholics can still remember the time when the church in different parts of the world would not celebrate the funeral of an individual who committed suicide. The church has since relaxed this rule and today celebrates the funeral of individuals who commit suicide. The churches stand stemmed from its teaching on human life. According to this doctrine, no one has the right to take life, “Thou shall not kill.” So, any form of killing is not permitted by the church. This teaching, rooted in the Judeo-Christian biblical revelation is at the root of the Church’s stand on abortion, euthanasia, homicide, and suicide. Why did the church start burying people who commit suicide? The answer to this is based on the culpability factors. Research and notes left by individuals who commit suicide shine lights on their state of mind which often is a state of despair and hopelessness. Often their thinking is controlled by the intense emotions they deal which can drive them into believing that the only possible alternative for reprieve from their feelings and situations would be to end it all. In many of these letters/notes left by the individuals, there are apologies to family members and some form of mea culpa. Some of those who commit suicide also see it as a way to give reprieve to their family members who in a sense experience and witness their agonies, and some see it as an “act of love,” as one statement indicated, “I love them so much and did not want them to continue to see me in this situation, I don’t want them to suffer emotionally anymore because of me.” These statements may not be quite logical but that is the logic they work with. So, the Church recognizes that judgement belongs to God and none of us knows what may have transpired in the mind of the individual just at the moment of death – whether they made peace with God or asked for forgiveness. Because of this, none of us can decide or dictate the fate of individuals, it is between them and God. On our part, we always pray and hope that there was that last communication/prayer from the individual, as did one of the thieves buried with Christ who states, “Jesus, remember me when you get into your kingdom.” We hope the mercy of God will lead them to receive such beautiful words, “Today you will be with me in my kingdom.”



Could anyone have prevented them from committing suicide? In some cases yes, and in others, no. In cases where one makes the revelation that he/she is struggling and has suicidal thoughts, one can help the individual to seek professional care and this often helps. Counselling, medication and connection to people and relationships that matter in one’s life can be a great asset. However despite some of these helps, one can still slip through the cracks. Often family members of one who commits suicide have enormous guilty feelings – “...maybe I could have done more, why didn’t I see this coming? What else should I have done that I failed to do,” and the list goes on. Some may feel personal responsibility because they “should have been able to prevent it.” The reality is that sometimes even with the best efforts and the best intentions one may not be able to prevent the situation. It is important that one not drown in guilt as that may lead to its own problems.



While in conversation with an individual a couple of years ago, I realized that he was of the opinion that all those who commit suicide had no hope of salvation. While not supporting the committing of suicide, I wanted him to know that it was not up to any human being to judge and condemn another. We may condemn the actions, but not the individual. By a stretch of the imagination, I started thinking that here he is condemning others while in a sense, people are slowly committing suicide. Why do I make this assertion? Because often we know that something is going to destroy our system and lead to death, and yet we keep eating/drinking/smoking it. I give example with eating food rich in saturated fat/oil as well as salt, which by the way, may be more tastier than food without them, we know that one will clog our arteries and the other will raise our blood pressure (which could lead to heart attack and stroke) and yet we consume them. There are several other ways we slowly kill our systems. The above statements generated heated debates with a couple of friends at different times.

I have to make it clear that in no way do I compare suicide to one eating what may be bad for his or her system. It is important for one to put things in perspective. Suicide should be discouraged in every situation. Most people who commit suicide probably reached out and cried for help, unfortunately sometimes, these reaching out were not understood or timely help is not offered. Suicide destroys something in the one’s whose family member commits it. God's mercy is everlasting and in abundance!

Attempting Suicide to Hurt Her/him!

Recently I was chatting with an individual (she gave permission to use her story though no name or identifying features will be used) who attempted to commit suicide so that her ex-boyfriend may feel the pain of what she felt. This happened while she was in high school. This is a very common issue with both young people and adults, often after a hurtful situation such as break-up, separation, or divorce. The urge to make another feel the pain of what one is going through in such a situation is probably one of the most powerful emotions resulting from the inability to put things in perspective due to clouded rational mode of thinking one has in times of grief, pain, and anger. How is one expected to handle such thought?

It is important for anyone who is going through distress to think about the reality she or he faces, and if possible, consult another person whom she or he trusts to help them navigate through their emotions. It is also important for anyone who is consulted in such a situation to be firm but loving in their clarification of reality based on basic civic rationality. This is not a time to start pushing the other to see things the way one does, but a time to help them see that there are more ways to deal with their situation. The goal is to propose but not enforce.

To respond to the question we are dealing with, one has to look at the integrity of the human person, both from the divine and natural perspectives. From the divine one can assert the Judeo-Christian revelation on the creation of every human being in God's image and likeness. Since one is created in such a way, it is imperative that one honours her/his person in realization of the fact that God's spirit dwells in him/her. Would one necessarily want to destroy that image even in time of distress? Not really. Even in case of mental illness (which we shall discuss some day), one does not really wish to be destructive. From the natural perspective, one of the most deeply ingrained needs in the human person is the need to preserve one's life. That is why one often fights or flees to preserve herself/himself when faced with danger. That is also the reason behind parents going to any legth to protect their own.

On the other hand, one has to remember that she/he lived many years before meeting that individual and can still live for years with or without that person. In other words, one had a life before meeting the individual, and can still have life without the individual in her/his life. So, when people break up, are separated or divorced, one feels rejected, dejected, depressed and all sorts of emotions. What the one who rejects you is saying is that she/he does not care about you. I often ask people the basic question: "Do you think that it is worth is to destroy your own life for some one who does not care about you, and would be happy to see you gone forever or at least for as long as she/he lives on the face of the earth?" Why would one make the ultimate sacrifice for another if they do not care for the sacrifice (apart from that of Christ)?

Who really gets hurt? I think that the answer is: Not really the one who you intend to hurt by such act! It is the parents, children, friends and those who are close to and care for the individual. The one who rejects you may care for what happens to you but can rationalize it as your choice. And that is in a sense true because it is one's choice to seek other ways to deal with what happened. Suicide is not the best way out because at the funeral for one who commits suicide, it is often those who one does not intend to hurt that end up being there, they are the ones who struggle with this, they are the ones who feel HURT, they are th eunintended sufferers.

What is the best thing to do? If one is hurt so badly, I think it is best to seek someone the individual can talk to, especially a professional who understands how to deal with emotional distress - a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a consellor, a priest. While one may talk to her/his friends, it is important to recognize that one's friends may not be versed in handling such a situation. If one has been involved with someone who commits suicide to her her/him, it is also important to see professional help so that one does not carry an unnecessary emotional baggage.

Please leave a comment or question if you have any. 

Questions from Prayer and Free Will

Thanks Len for the following questions and for your comments. In ressponse to the first question on: "What would life be like if everything worked out “right” in accordance with some pre-determined plan?" I thinkk there may be a bend towards determinism. With this comes the philosophical undertone that every human action is causally determined (causal laws guide all actions) and results can be predictable - life would then be seen as an unbroken chain of events dating back to the origin of the universe. This will in essence take away the possibility of anyone changing his/her course of action as that would be outside the realm of what one can do. However, as we all know, people can change and make decisions that are sometimes unpredictable.

Predeterminism takes away the possibility of free will. This also takes away the possibility of true love as true love cannot exist without freedom to choose. If a person is forced to marry someone she does not love just because it was already predetermined, then the freedom to fall in love vanishes with it. The same goes with the freedom to do so many other things including choosing what one eats, where one lives, what kind of job one does and so many other things. Granted that there are some areas where one may not have the ability to chooose, for instance, one's parents or children, for the most part, one has greater freedom in choosing other things. Now this does not mean that there is predeterminism in this because such is controlled by biological laws. Natural and physical laws do not mean determinism.

For things to work out "right" does not necessarily mean a realisation of a "perfect" world. Things work out right but sometimes not in the way or order we wish. So, with regards to the speculation of what life would be if everything worked out "right" in accordance with some pre-determined laws, I will say that this will propose a philosophical view of a pure mechanical universe and humans governed by mechanical laws, who are incapable of making choices. This will also take away the possibility to exercise one of the most basic needs, the power of love - love of God, neighbour, children and parents. If one cannot choose, there will also be no need for trying to teach people, no need for people who for instance, have been in trouble with the law to change and become better people. It could also lead to choas as each individual can defend his/her actions as pre-determined and one he/she has no power to change. So, instead of having a perfect world, we may have a very chaotic world.


On the second question "Good judgement is a result of Experience. Does not Experience result from bad judgement?" of course they are vice versa. One learns from experience just as one's mistakes provides opportunity for correcting what one may have misjudged. On the first part - good judgement is a result of Experience - it is important to note that with age comes experience. The knowledge one gets from experiences of either doing something right or wrong helps the individual to make better judgement. For instance, as a teenager, one may not necessarily appreciate the juggling acts parenst do to make ends meet financially and otherwise. As one gets older and starts to work, he or she may realize that it takes a lot to calculate how much money should be spent on certain things. One may also realize why mom and dad would not allow him or her to go to certain places at certain times or do certain things.

On the second section - does not experience result from bad judgement? - I agree with you. We all make judgements all the time with regards to what we do, eat, wear and so on. Many of us have also made mistakes that helped us to learn because they were the wrong things to do. In today's world, many people in the United States, for instance, have made poor judgement regarding buying a house or other major purchases. With this comes the many foreclosures resulting from the housing mortgage bubble burst of the last few years. While this is an unfortunate situation, it is helping some people to realize that one has to weigh one's finances, possibilities of unforseen accidents and the market trend in order to decide if one can afford buying an expensive house or not. Also, if one has had an accident, one is more inclined to avoid occasions that lead to the same kindof accident. We see that in children too. If for instance a child who is able to understand touches fire/candle light, she or he will probably avoid touching it a second time because it hurts.

I hope I fully understand this last one - Human Freedom is advanced from knowing what we actually believe; “know thyself". Is there advancement in Human Freedom from knowing what we are expected to believe?. I can say that depending on what we are expected to believe and what informs it, human freedom can be advanced or diminished. That we are expected to believe something does not necessarily make it right, for instance, people were expected to believe that slavery was good, and they did, but it only diminished some people's freedom. So, knowing what is "right" and by this I mean what is informed by divine and natural law.

There is greater freedom from knowing what we are expected t believe when that is in accordance with expected civic knowledge informed by divine law. Knowing that all humans are created equal, in God's image and likeness helps us to honour and respect all people's rights and dignity. Knowing that all humans desire the same things - to be happy, to be loved, to be accepted, to be part of the community helps us to work towards realizing such goals. We know and believe that children are precious and older people though frail, are valued leads us to enact laws to protect the most vulnerable in our society, and to treat our children in a more respectable way. Knowing that young people become their best when appreciated helps us to learn other ways of getting them to develop rather than using the cane.

So, advancement in psychology, theology, sociology and other human sciences help us to know how we ought to treat others thereby creating a greater freedom of interaction between peoples and age ranges. Since we believe certain things asa a result of the knowledge we have - for instance that all people have the same organs, same kind of blood system - we have come to a better appreciation and a human freedom has been advanced and continues to be advanced.

Once more, thanks for the questions and input.